Remakes, reboots and reviews

The best thing about the shows and movies I love is they aren't universally adored, so nobody's coming to do remakes that people want. Okay, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas is still working on a Last Unicorn stage show and possibly a movie. I've already ranted about how I hate musical versions of movies existing. The reports of the live action movie cropped up two years ago and there's been nothing since. 22 years ago they were trying to get another version out of pre-production hell, there were models being made and Christopher Lee was signed on to play Haggard. The Lord of the Rings movies could've bolstered more want for this version, but they didn't strike while the iron was hot. Discussing it now means you could end up comparing it to the piece of shit Lion King "live-action" remake, which when I immediately saw it I was unreasonably angry and even more unreasonably pissed on behalf of the furry community. The entire lack of facial expressions in the remake, coupled with the complete lack of energy and entertainment it offered as opposed to the cartoon, I'm still ranting about that. Disney remakes look so fucking boring. Aladdin looks like a Bollywood movie, if you're going to have a full, comical parade of pure chaos and illusion, you're not getting that much action with the live action format. It looked flat and boring and empty. Animation can offer so much dynamism, we loved the cartoons because they were fun and exciting and full of energy, the live action versions are devoid of life. I have no interest in any of them. But they do so well financially they keep making them. The Little Mermaid seemed to suffer the same fate, there are only so many fish and turtles and other marine life you can put in the Under the Sea scene before you've run out of hard drive space. 2D animation seems limited but in these instances it's not. You can be more bombastic and exaggerated, and none of that is in the live action version unless it's one character flapping around being annoying. You can fill the entire frame with zany characters and colour, you can choreograph with more imagination, be more fantastic with it. There's none of this weird negative space that the live action remake delivers.

The only remake I could get behind would be the Never Ending Story. Reboot the original and the sequel, don't bother with the third one. The book has so much in it that would be interesting to explore, the Childlike Empress has more agency in her own survival, Bastian goes on a much darker journey once he's in Fantasia. (Or Fantastica, as it's referred to in the German version). You could still marry practical effects with CGI, I think you could do something amazing with it. Maybe if that was animated, you'd have some room to do a lot with the characters. I'd even live with an updated soundtrack despite the original being perfect. You could do an updated version of the theme at least, that'll lure the kids in. You can do a slow piano rendition over the trailer, too. There's so much space for this. There's also already been a fake campaign pop up. Now I look into it, Kathleen Kennedy was working towards a new story back in 2009 but there appears to be a rights issue with Warner Bros.  The author Michael Ende has since passed and he too has an estate that was interested in a TV series, again Lord of the Rings being bought by Amazon to make a new series had more to do with selling more books than getting a good adaptation. At least Ende's estate is pickier about who adapts his shit, but yeah a live action TV show might be cool, something similar to Dark Crystal, which I have fonder memories of as a kid but don't like as much as an adult.

Labyrinth comes to mind as deserving a better remake, I like this isn't based on a book but without Bowie, maybe people wouldn't be interested. Looks like a sequel is more likely. Sequels with massive time lapses from the original feel more like placating an audience that would hate you for remaking the original, so they do the soft reboot/remake instead, and they can go either way. But according to what I'm skimming over, they want a firm sequel to the original story. The manga version was enjoyable, it would make a good movie but I doubt it'll be included, so now you have a possibly non-canonical story attached.

I don't hate the idea of soft reboots but they don't thrill me much either. I had no care for The Force Awakens and I will likely go to my grave never seeing Rise of Skywalker. Star Wars has been a huge litmus test for how badly people can fuck up franchises of beloved IPs, I am sincerely sick of there being more content than ever. Another folly of Disney was getting their hands on the franchise like it was a new, shiny toy, spamming all the bells and whistles then crying when it stopped working though they have no idea they broke it. It was like giving money to irresponsible people who've never had money then being astounded when they blew it all on stupid shit and had nothing to show for it. I get you wanted an immediate return on investment, with as much merchandising and tie-ins as possible, you had no care for the fate of the story or its world. Disney can't be trusted with their own properties, they've lost Steamboat Willy, we're comin' for the rest of the Mickeys. They can't keep lobbying to protect their own interests. I'd like to see their power deteriorate one day. But the Disney adults keep resuscitating them and they'll be resurrected eventually.

The one thing to suffer under the heavy weight of expectation is Avatar: The Last Airbender. I have a huge respect for this show, I've done a full review of thoughts on how inventive it was with its story. I shunned the M. Night adaptation and I've seen enough of it through other people to know it's hopeless. So, when they were pumping up a live action TV show with the original creators back in 2017 (I think), I joked M. Night was being kicked out of the boardroom meetings after offering is "advice" on how to make it. They replaced the creators who want to work on more animated stories in the same universe, then gave it to a director who's made a worse movie than anything M. Night ever did. The TV show seems to be going for the dark drama angle and eschewed the comedy, maybe it's better written, it looks better visually, it was highly amusing they opted to go with someone who's movie making track record (two movies, both not well received) was worse than the worst person most people think of when they think of worst directors. That's not fair to M. Night, he's competent at least visually, it's his writing that sucks. I was an M. Night hater since the Sixth Sense, it's not a good movie all it's hype rested on a twist. I think we need to leave Avatar alone now, I think there should be a point where we say no to new live action adaptations of cartoons purely because we have the technology to do something with it. Let people have their cartoons.

I'm going over someone's reaction to the new live action show. It sounds like it's already been taken apart in terms of narrative. There's nothing negative to say in terms of appearance, it looks like they got the fight scenes down, so it'll get points for being better than M Night's contribution. I think fans having attractions to teenage characters isn't anything to do with them being adults now. They may have been teens when Avatar came out, had reasonable crushes on those characters, and their inner kids are the ones crushing on the characters now. I don't think it's entirely about them wanting to fuck teens. I could be wrong, I think people just misunderstand what's going on with these people. What they want is a realistic interpretation of their favourite cartoon characters and all the memberberries are being activated when they see this shit as adults. Some of us adults have very strong memories of childhood crushes, you want to nostalgia bait adults you have to appeal to the inner child you originally enthralled. That's what's really going on. And people are articulating this so badly, they should be prefacing their complaints with "Teenage me is disappointed, teenage me wanted a pinup version to crush on." People get weirded out by kids being attracted to anthropomorphic animals. They're attracted to the human aspect of the character, they don't get boners looking at actual animals. They're drawn to have attractive human qualities, the emphasis isn't on their animal qualities. Nobody who had a crush on adult Simba or Scar was jerking off to the "live action" version. It looks like this new version of Avatar has just failed in the writing/character development department. And if that was all with the creators not getting what they wanted, that's sad. It seems so stupid this was a Netflix property very early on, they were fully aware of what was in the show but then they wanted to fuck with it anyway, that seems stupid. But I guess Disney's sabotaging their own live action remakes by responding to the criticisms of the originals. I'm wondering if people making these movies forget to do more character building other than repeating motivations. They forget there were other things going on in the fucking story and they don't want to show it, they just tell it so it gets repetitive, ignoring subtext, refusing to use visual cues, because they think the audience are either dumb or ignorant about the original show, or both. And they've apparently missed the points of the characters and possibly took what was "cool" about them at the expensive of more human traits. Or they had no understanding whatsoever and decided to just make what them what they assumed they were. Which then leads you to think: did these fucking writers even watch the cartoon? I feel like they only care about it cosmetically: y'all said you want live action are we not giving you that with our cool graphics and spectacle? Are we not delivering? Yes, at the expense of good writing and story telling. Which is still important.

And you know this shit's going to continue, they're coming for Naruto, bro, so now's the time for you to be cancelling those subs and refusing to buy those tickets. Stop giving these idiots money to exploit your favourite cartoons which they treat like soggy yet undercooked pasta that just won't ever stick to the wall. And even if "ONE PIECE" sticks a little, it's still kinda peeling off, right? It's not perfect but the bar's so low, it's good. Think about what the market is like now, it's depending on remakes, we need to stop rewarding repetitive behaviours from these people. I saw it in the late 90s, I was so annoyed with adaptations and anything not based on an original property, it's getting to the point I can't remember the last original movie that got any fucking hype that wasn't an adaptation, a remake or a biopic. I see this stuff it's being buried by everything else.

Quick! We need another fat suit, this person isn't objectively obese!

I refused to watch Shallow Hal, and I'll double down on it now. I'm amazed nobody has done a review/deep dive on the BTS stuff never mind the movie. I don't like Gwyneth Paltrow but I feel sorry for her, and I thought this movie gave her an ED so I looked it up.

It didn't, apparently (I disagree, but bear with me). It did give her body double one, however.

I'm not shocked she had a body double on top of having a fat suit. The sick part is, the double still needed another suit to make her look saggier. So on top of them focusing on her flaws, they made her look fatter. They needed her to be saggy. People made her life hell afterwards, she was mailed diet pills and accused of glorifying obesity. So she of course ended up with a disorder on top of having failed gastric surgery that made it too hard to eat.

Neither woman would watch this again, but it's full of discriminatory bullshit. When Hollywood does fat/ugly people, it's always parody. It's all braces and thick-rimmed glasses, skin disorders, blemishes, everything Hollywood fears having. Nobody goes out of their way to look that ugly. There was a whole movement against villains with facial scars negatively impacting on people with facial scars. They've studied how that stuff affects their lives and it's real. So asking Hollywood to stop picking on these people is difficult. Disabled people also get stiffed.

A kid on Degrassi who was supposed to be chubby needed padding to look tubby so you could justify him having an ED. The kid grew up to be very tall and thin, it wasn't even really baby fat, it was just gross he wasn't chubby enough. So if you have to make a chubby person look comically fat, then at least acknowledge that the fat person you think you're portraying doesn't actually exist. I've had to put up with people commenting on my body most of my life. I only wish people would just not say anything about anyone, I was going to put this on my main blog but it's a media observation. Sincerely, so much of the noise we hear is people not learning when to keep their mouth shut about appearances. Movies that tried to sell us the same sentiment as Shallow Hal completely failed to, they're more offensive now than ever, you'd rather they admit they were mocking the premise than trying to give a sincere message about loving fat people for who they are. Nobody looks funny in a fat suit, I hate watching movies where people where ageing makeup or prosthetics to look ugly for comic reasons, or any reason, it's tasteless to me and people pretending to be an old is ageist within itself. But that was the 90s, we could laugh at these things and people weren't allowed to be offended.

Dead Poets

I wrote an essay for this movie in senior English, and after the class was rebuked for their poor performances, I was given a higher grade. I turned this in early and was told it wasn't up to scratch, I, for some reason, needed help to fix it but I have no idea what I did other than move a few paragraphs around and did well. I did well in English, not English lit. I knew the Thoreu* passage, I ironically had to pick apart Frost at a tertiary level. I'm not a big poetry fan, I'm kind of a movie fan and I like this movie. It's fun for what could be considered something stuffy and inaccessible. You couldn't get many guys to watch this now, which sucks. I appreciate most blokes hold Shawshank up as their favourite movie about men. I think they don't appreciate one about boys becoming men through poetry and art, who find the elixir of life through destroying the status-quo, in the wilderness no less. They could surely identify with being contained in a society that did not permit expression of self or soul. Weir appreciated the zest of raging hormones barely contained but didn't take it to such debauchery you'd end up with an American Pie prototype. The artful camera work in such a confined space as the cave and the dorm rooms is spectacular in its intent, it stirs excitement within. There are some brilliant extended rotating shots with so much energy infused it makes you dizzy.

We didn't encourage boys to like literature and we still don't, which is bullshit. Cultivating the art in younger students itself seems to be a dying process as much as poetry might die quicker than prose. Getting poetry out there is often harder, I think self-publishing was probably vital to some people, except those assholes who stole Vines and passed them off as modern poetry. 

I feel like this should be essential viewing in school still. If they're not giving it for English, that's stupid and sad. Ethan Hawke practically gets acting lessons from Robin Williams, who was settling into dramatic roles with more gusto than comedy. We were spoiled to have seen him in those days at his pique without knowing how much he suffered, it was tough explaining to people how hard that hit the Gen X/Millennial fan base, by then to the kids he was just some old guy that made your parents laugh a lot. He still makes us laugh a lot. 

And yes, there is a non-consensual head kiss in there but it's really not that perverted. That still falls on deaf ears anyway.

*He lived in a shack in the woods but came from money, he wasn't that revolutionary. No more than the Unabomber.

Saltburn - that's not how we eat the rich, but you do you.

I passed on Promising Young Woman because of my inability to cope with movies concerning main characters being accused of creating false allegations. I don't like witnessing the injustice of an antagonist winning favour with the protagonist's friends and family or persecuting the protagonist with lies they can't disprove. (See: Changeling. I will never make it through that movie). When you have characters effectively gaslighting or denying the protagonist's lived experiences, I can't cope even if there's a chance the hero will be vindicated.

But I did want to watch Saltburn for how intriguing the trailer looked. The dialogue's fun if you're used to sarcastic British humour, the characters seem interesting and their motivations aren't all obvious. But I got lost where it became apparent Oliver was intending to steal all of Saltburn for himself. It's taken me over a week to realise where his intentions were birthed, but he's not a poor kid, he's on a scholarship to Oxford but comes from a fairly well-off family. I realise now the enticement grows during his stay, however once we know he's orchestrated the infiltration into Felix's life very early on, I wasn't entirely convinced of Oliver's actual motivations. He loves and hates Felix in the most obsessive, Machiavellian way. Does he want Felix and Saltburn for himself, and when Felix realises who he is and the extent of Oliver's lies, he's cut off from Felix and has to scramble to keep at least one? 

We're led to believe Felix is an arrogant asshole who uses boys every summer by inviting them to Saltburn for his own amusement and to show off his wealth, yet he's hardly as awful as Oliver, or the cousin Farleigh, who's convinced he belongs on the estate and he will get it back one day, his aunt shunned by the family and cut off from their wealth. Oliver manipulates Farleigh and Venesia, Felix's sister, as part of the plan, the two on to Oliver much early on and there to antagonise him despite being enticed by him anyway. Oliver practically enchants the mother, Elspeth, who is a catty woman behind closed doors but maintains propriety where required and shepherds the father James in his apparent obliviousness. It transpires James has noticed much more disturbing aspects of Oliver's behaviour but he struggles to exile Oliver after his immediate family's destroyed. Elspeth loves Oliver noticing the certain unfavourable aspects of others she can't voice without consensus. (There's this classic thing Brits do where they latch on to anyone who agrees with something they know isn't a popular opinion, it's more than "Oh, I thought it was just me." It's always "I knew there was something off about them." They crave permission and confirmation to speak ill of people with others, it's not exclusive but it's prolific with even the middle class Brits).

The red curtain scene's forever etched on my mind. The "carry on, regardless" mentality and its toxicity of it when emotions come to the surface, it's all perfectly executed behind closed curtains. The intense red lighting makes it more impactful and still lights the scene that would otherwise be shadowy, but we're deep in the hell of their grief and anger, and Oliver uses the tension against Farleigh to finally vanquish him. Before that, he's taken other measures but it wasn't enough. But if you want an example of what British stiff-upperlipedness does to people, watch this scene. Every repressed grievance comes to the surface, everyone's in visible pain from the discomfort, nobody can defuse the situation but they also can't leave and are forced to keep "carrying on". (I now know why I fucking hate that meme so much, people don't get the history of it, the demand to keep going through inexcusable torment). Farleigh is actually very lucky to be kicked out even if he knows it's the end of his access to Saltburn, least he can leave the fucking room. Oliver listens in on arguments during the film but this is it all "coming to a head". Growing up in families where expressing even a modicum of anger or pain or sadness could be punished, and being raised by people forced to endure the same, this scene hits so much harder than it might someone from the US or someone who at least knew what was going on and was free to be honest and argumentative. You can joke about keeping up appearances, it's entirely at the cost of one's mental health.

I wasn't happy with Oliver's ending, which took far too long to reach. Everything he does seems so overt it seems impossible he would manage to do all he could without being found out. His fingerprints are on everything, but as long as he can maintain the pretense, nobody questions it. Farleigh could probably find evidence Oliver was manipulating Elspeth into signing everything over, it comes off like a master plan but there still seems to be impulsive, unplanned moments, so I can only assume Oliver's endgame develops over time, he's not taken one look at Felix and his wealth and possessions and decided to take it all before he even reaches Saltburn, he becomes covetous as he's led through the house, Felix the focal point of this shot so we personally can't see anything. If you visit an English mansion, there are so many superfluous rooms connected to one another can genuinely get lost, Felix doesn't speak of them as being important, it's all, "this is the blue room" and so on. I found the anachronistic nature of the modern family in this antiquated home more interesting, they're all living with mod-cons (modern conveniences) while leaving all the paintings and ornaments and busts still in place to be perpetually dusted by the help, the head of which detests Oliver as well. I like how the family lounges around and accepts the hedonism afforded to them now while still dressing for dinner. They take breakfast with relative civility, and lunch. So when there's a disruption, they still have to sit down to their usual meal and make out as if there isn't a body stuck in the maze outside because the police keep getting lost, something farcical you can only get from dry, sardonic British humour. That the Cattons even refuse to assist the cops in this moment speaks to their privilege and unwillingness to deal with the reality of the situation. There's a severe, long Dutch angle shot that captures the initial commotion, Elspeth deciding they can't remain and wallow, it's nearly lunchtime. We can't disrupt the status-quo even in a moment of abject horror and chaos.

I don't think the owners of Saltburn are any worse than most aristocrats. They're not evil, just snobbish, so asking me to side with Oliver's plan when it's coming to fruition is too much for me. The family isn't necessarily harming anyone but they aren't helping anything by hoarding their wealth. The problem is, Oliver then hoards it for himself and dances in naked glee as we finally get to see the spoils of his plan. He's not doing it to feed the poor, just himself, and he wasn't poor in the first place. Felix exposes Oliver's normal parents who are very much not drug-dealers (or dead, as in the case of his father). I even asked my mum if Prescot is a richer suburb than where she grew up in Liverpool, and I have family there we visited, it's upper-middle class. I love the Cattons don't know where Liverpool is relative to where they live, they just know it's a working class city, so Oliver's lies make sense when they're expressed. He wasn't abused, I felt like I needed more from him than simple envy and desire to steal from the Cattons and make Saltburn his. He has to wait years to execute the last part because he's kicked out and bribed to stay away. I kind of want to watch it again but I can't tell if I like it. I probably should just to pick up on whatever subtleties I missed, even after I went to Wikipedia to find more of a solid crux of Oliver's plan, it wasn't there, it wasn't evident for it to be missed. But maybe there's something else. Like I said, it took me a week to realise this is an evolving desire of Oliver's based on his initial obsession and desire of Felix. If he can't have Saltburn and Felix, he'll settle for Saltburn.

Yeah, I was also grossed out by the drain scene and the "vampire" scene and the grave scene, but those weren't the things that made me tense. The fucking red curtain scene was my ick moment.

Pretty? Woman?

I don't hate this movie for a 90s romcom, it's suitable. It has a bit more substance to it, I guess. I don't know My Fair Lady outside of a couple of songs. I don't know Pygmalion at all, just the premise. I don't hate Julia Roberts but I don't know about the idea of her being "pretty". She had a certain look about her that made her unique, I think she and Sarah Jessica Parker got some unfair flack for not being conventionally beautiful, they have teeth and mouths other women get shit for not fixing. Roberts was supposed to be Corey in Say Anything... she didn't fit the bill, she looks too mature, I think she's supposed to be pretty young in this movie. I kinda joked it should be "Moderately Attractive Lady", I think that was a Harmontown joke. She's more or less infantalised by the two men who are supporting her. Jason Alexander is actually really great in this even if he gets hella rapey later, he has to work as a bone of contention between the lovers and he knew better than to lean on what he was well known for. And Julia Roberts has wrinkly as fuck toes when they're in the bath, by the way. Not up to Tarantino Toe Standards. I also had a massive issue with "80s Brow" when I was a kid because I hated my thicker brows, I still do, but I think this was more a darker brow issue with the pencil and I don't own a pencil knowing people want to give me actual brows.

I didn't see this as a kid, it was another of those "adult" movies that were out and I was a kid, it was one of those movies where the soundtrack songs were charting when I was little so again it had music on those cheap-ass compilation tapes. I liked the song from Working Girl, I don't know the movie that well. I don't even know why I'm making this post, I noticed it looked like it relies heavily on ADR. It's not a shitty movie, I think it has a decent amount of drama, Richard Gere's character has some substance to him, he's not just the romantic lead, they play off one another well, there's sufficient chemistry. I like he doesn't try to hide Vivian's purpose, it's not up for debate, but she's rightfully shitty he lets it slip. He doesn't do a heck of a lot "grooming" her and giving her deportment lessons, or elocution lessons for that matter, she can get away with her melange of a lower-class accent. I think they thought there was being a respectful depiction being made of hookers but it's clearly not when she has to admit it's not really for her, she's still actively shamed about her profession, which wouldn't work. Having seen the last Magic Mike movie, which was a Pretty Woman rip off, and a hilarious one at that, I was still confused about Mike being an actual sex worker and not just a dancer. And that didn't exactly paint sex workers in a positive light either, which is absolutely shitty. Sex work in the 90s was obviously further demonised off the back of the AIDS epidemic, hooker with a heart of gold is a trope that doesn't work now, you can't get away with it but god forbid they tried to remake it with Vivian telling him to get bent and staying on Only Fans instead. She'll do better there, anyway.

Watching Fight Club in the early 2000s was the worst and best time...

Our home computer had a trailer my brother downloaded for Fight Club, he was aware of this before the general public got a hold of it. I think I saw it on VHS first, then for class I had to watch it at a local independent theatre. And while we had an operational IMAX theatre, I got to see it there too. I had the soundtrack, I knew most of Tyler's lines. I wrote about it in an essay after only seeing it once, I think, so my ability to retain a lot of detail about a film after one viewing is pretty impressive. (And yeah, bitch who told me to write 3000 words on three forms of orchestral music, I can write that much on fucking Fight Club, American Beauty and the depiction of men in media. I am capable of saying A LOT if I CARE about it).

I hung out with guys who threw shit off a tower in an act of defiance. I spent the night with a guy (nothing actually happened) and we watched it, and I knew it pretty well, so he thought I'd seen it a lot more than I had. But they also weren't complete incels (maybe they were I didn't see it) and I was still trying to be "that girl", the "one of the guys" girls, and I was hanging out with more guys than girls if I did hang with anyone. It was important (it still is) for me not to be the Yoko, or the Marla, so to speak. 

But Marla was cool, you're supposed to side with her, she's not the bad guy. If you see Tyler as the good guy, you've missed the point. And I kinda did, I kinda idolised the swagger and anti-capitalistic rhetoric, but then you grow up and find out Brad Pitt is a piece of shit human being with anger issues. He's never been "cool". (I'm also old enough to understand the concept of cigarette burns on a film and remember seeing them). I kinda drank the Kool-Aid but I'm not a fan of actual destruction as a form of protest. I'm okay with kids interrupting a pointless dinner or performance in protest of whatever economical/ecological disaster the rich are perpetuating that week, I wouldn't be that annoyed if they did it to me. I only don't agree with wanton destruction or getting in the way of your own people trying to get on with their lives. So I don't "believe" in Project Mayhem any more than I could believe in the tenets of Fight Club. (I can't recite the rules, by the way). And I'm pretty sure a chunk of the film's audience never bothered reading the book, which ends differently. China's not allowed to see the actual ending, by the way, it's been edited with a written epilogue. Which intimates that Tyler is either real or Edward Norton's character is the one sent to an asylum, he's not even "killed" by Norton's character. So that would suggest you're still supposed to think Tyler is real. That's bad, China. I want to know if the kiss is in that version too, since its subtext is homoerotic, and you're not supposed to have gay stuff in movies in China, so did they "fix" that too? The bass drop after the kiss even has a sexy feel to it, before it gets graphic. (This fake ending is kind of in line with the book's ending too, which makes it funnier and subversive if you think about the narrator leaving the hospital in 2012, when Project Mayhem's already taken over the world).

When Tyler's questioning the "point" of women, you're not supposed to take the red pill, boys. Or the black one. Nobody's asking you to take the blue one, either, btw. Maybe don't take any fucking pill and think for yourself (be a Sigma, man). Discern facts from fiction. None of the men in Fight Club are actively attacking women until Marla's an issue, and they're not entirely comfortable with it, really. They're trying to pick fights with a male stranger, they're not being told to go out and pick up women. They're recruiting men. They're supposed to lose. Acting like Tyler won't get you pussy. You're not supposed to like Marla so why would you agree with her sexual appetites? Wouldn't a woman saying she wants to have your abortion freak you out, anyway? That's an alternate cut, I know that. 

The music is amazing, it holds up even if some of the effects are outdated. It's okay for you not to subscribe to gym body worship, you can be you, that was also the point. If you have nothing to truly aspire to in terms of being a decent man, this movie isn't supposed to be your alternative. If Fight Club's the actual reason for the haircut and nice manicure, that's not cool either, bro. I want to be Marla for Halloween. You should love a girl like Marla, she's not making you clean anything in your piece of shit house, she lets you go through a box of condoms in a night and leave them in your clogged up toilet. She puts up with your shit, man. You should LOVE her. How is SHE the problem? She let you fuck her brains out ALL NIGHT. (The shot where Tyler walks in just as Marla mentions the death rattle, we saw the narrator leave at that point, so it's not a continuity error, Tyler's "there" the whole time). Tyler is effectively "hate fucking" Marla, so the narrator is participating in that without getting to enjoy it. She's also comically loud and Tyler sounds like it fucking hurts, it's quite funny. Because it's satire, dickhead. It's all satire. It's sad you couldn't enjoy this as a black comedy, really. It's sad you don't get irony the way you think you do. Find that robe Tyler wears, get it filthy and wear it unironically. Hell, Marla said you can borrow her shitty clothes. You don't get why she's singing the song from Valley of the Dolls. I have said "sticking feathers up your butt doesn't make you a chicken", that's a Tylerism I live by. You're not willing to actually live in actual filth. You actually have standards, probably higher than mine. You can live a step above sin and be closer to godliness if you just tidy up your room once in a while. And if your father failed you, what does that really tell you about God? (You know there isn't one and you can be a better man than your deadbeat dad). I wanted to lose everything at some points and to know what it was to be free. I wasn't taking that big a risk walking away from my job. Providing you a clean slate isn't society's responsibility to fulfill for you. That also doesn't mean you get to hurt society in order to get it.

You don't want Marla but you should. She's not even trying to be the mother you never had. She's willing to put up with the abuse, to an extent. You don't spend a lot of time "analysing" film either, so if you had any clue about it you wouldn't have reached the exact opposite conclusion you came to. She gives a shit if someone's burning the shit out of you. She wants to know if you care. And you do fucking care. Or else, she'd be dead, right? You can't scare her off the way Tyler thinks. She'll stand beside you as the world fucking falls down. Isn't that what you want out of anybody, not just a woman?

I went to work with a shiner and said I'd joined a club I wasn't supposed to talk about. Only one guy got it, the other one had no fucking idea what I meant.*

 

*I wound up in a social scenario where nobody believed it was an accident and everyone talked about it like it was the biggest news in the office that morning. It was bizarre and unnecessary but said a lot to how seriously people took a perceived instance of violence. It's sad I had a physical indicator that had nothing to do with my depression at the time, but my actual emotions and problems went unregistered a lot longer. Plus, people knew me to be quite meek so I had to be lying about how it happened. Which is kind of insulting to suggest I would be such a wilting flower about it. I wouldn't put up with that shit, I put up with emotional abuse since it's never registered as damaging. Me being totally fine and joking about it wasn't the best way to deal with it but people wouldn't leave me alone.

6 Year Old Me would totally love me right now

I'm healing my inner child watching the Never Ending Story with my noise cancelling headphones the government let me buy with their money. The same way I wish I could tell kid me they would one day have all the music they needed, I wish I could say, hey, one day, you'll have your own TV with streaming, and a DVD player, and whatever movies you want, and you can lie on your own couch, in your own place where nobody can stop you and you don't have to worry about your parents being annoyed with that shit since you had it on repeat. It was probably just as well we didn't own these as kids, I'd have destroyed my copy anyway. 

I'm sure Falkore probably scared kids the way G'mork is supposed to. The puppetry in this isn't bad, it's on par for the most part with Jim Henson's work, and they did the third movie. This is now I'm finding out the girl who played the Empress was in a movie recently which included the Creature Shop team, and I don't remember hearing about it, it doesn't even have an RT score, it only has two reviews so clearly nobody bothered to market it well.

Also, using headphones makes the soundtrack a lot clearer, which I also recently bought (maybe a year ago nearly) when I was horribly depressed but needed to cry a lot. I can't not get choked up at this funeral dirge level shit when you're seeing a real horse drown in a swamp and a big rock puppet man lamenting the loss of his friends and being killed by the Nothing. I mean, this is how I got in touch with questionable people on the internet who pretended to be young gay boys in love with 80s movie stars. I was finding out their names then going on forums with perverts who'd then send me material that was highly illegal. Our innocence was so easily exploitable. But kid me didn't know that either, kid me grew up without the internet, so it left me longing for all the things that soothed me because they were never readily available. If I'd been a kid in the early 2000s it would've been easier, but I'd have also missed out on what I did like. I can't see myself being nostalgic for shit that was popular after I grew up. And I think the music played too big a part in the gutkicking moments, so if I'd had the soundtracks at the very least, I might've been okay. I got by with the Labyrinth soundtrack for most of high school, but yeah, not having the videos until my late teens was kinda sad.

I also had no idea Bastian yells "Moon Child" which is supposed to be his mother's name, so I'm going to say that was her flower child name she got from some beatnick before marrying Bastian's stuffy dad who likes egg yolks in OJ. Like, what chance did Bastian have, really? Jeez. And it's not like he gets it easy in the book, so a movie that dealt with that better than the second movie did could be kinda cool. The headphones work really well you can hear the people Falkore terrorises really well. Kid me really liked this bit.

Kid me had it rougher than they should have. They honestly just wanted everything I have right now. They had to tough out a lot to get it. But they got it.