I’ve seen it all… Dancer in the Dark.

I discussed this in relation to Melancholia by Lars Von Trier (I’ve avoided Antichrist but I will see it one day) but I never discussed my personal experience with this film and how it’s since framed how I see my own future and past.

I’ve seen it all.

I think this whenever people assume I should be doing more and living more. I wish I lived less, I don’t know if I’d honestly regret not taking the trips I have, which were only manageable when I was a kid since all the rigmarole of handling bookings, rental cars and tickets and passports was taken care of by my parents. Even my trip at twenty, I was only charged with replacing my passport and it was still funded by my parents. I got to see a friend and a concert, but I couldn’t get an earlier flight home or diverge from the flights at all. (I almost went to Amsterdam, however, but it didn’t pan out. Yes, my mother was willing to let me do this alone but not stay home and housesit instead). Point is, I don’t appreciate majesty or spirituality or serenity when I’m in another country. I’m deadened to a lot of it from what I know now was autistic burnout caused by the stress of travelling. It’s gotten harder for me to head anywhere outside my own city.

Selma’s argument she doesn’t need her eyesight when her son needs it more is expressed in a wonderful song. For reference, it’s the one she performed at the Oscars in that swan dress people lampooned for ages. (I might add this was the only Oscar nod this film got when she deserved Best Actress. Von Trier himself hasn’t had a single nomination, and he had the nerve to treat Bjork like utter shit. It also made her reluctant to work on other films). I tend to get attached to it more in its sentiment. I have seen enough even within the confines of film and television, I’ve experienced enough of other places to never go again. Selma’s more insulated, she’s travelled to the States but she’s stuck in Small Town America, she’s poor, she wants her son to have a better life, and the sacrifice is her work and her eyesight. The idea of even never seeing a grandchild’s hand play with her hair doesn’t move her to reconsider. Jeff’s not entirely a simpleton but he has a very innocent view of what Selma is giving up, she’s a grown woman, she’s considered it, she’s adapted to her deteriorating vision to the point she’s fudging her eye tests. Jeff knows she’ll eventually hurt herself working at the factory, but her daydreaming is more a culprit than her eyesight. She knows her life is miserable but her son’s will be better if he has the operation to save his vision. It means more because she’s “seen it all, there’s no more to see”. And even if you argue she’s in denial at this stage, she gives up her life for her son’s eyesight, so she’s sincere. She’s reached an acceptance she’s going to be entirely blind the rest of her life, as long as she can earn the money to save her son’s sight, whatever she needs no longer matters. And she doesn’t need more than what she’s already seen. Scared as she is to die, she won’t lose the money to prove her innocence if it sacrifices her son’s eyesight. It’s what she fought for. Her son doesn’t even see her by the time she’s hanged, she only gets to hold the glasses he no longer needs and the relief of knowing he had the operation gives her a second of peace.

You can’t convince me to do more or see more, I always hear this song, I don’t want more from life, and I don’t want to travel anywhere. Even if you offered me luxury transport, it’s little to do with that and everything to do with purely being misplaced and disoriented. My mind can’t process changes in environment on that scale. I’ve been hospitalised twice now from my last two overseas trips, the stress of it completely derailed me into insanity and it’s more than basic jet lag. I have to weigh up the cost of my own mental health against experiencing another place, and at this juncture, it’s no contest. I’ve seen it all. There’s no more to see.

Music… before Spotify

Loving music in the 80s and 90s sucked. It straight sucked if you were a kid with no disposable income who had to save pocket money for music. Or leave the radio on with a blank tape set to record. We could tune our radio into the public access channel on weekends to get pretty good copies of songs. Or worse case we had to hold a fucking stereo or radio mic up to the one speaker on our TV to capture shit. It was hell. If iPods had been around when I was a kid, I would’ve been so happy. I was lucky to have Walkmans at the least, and by the early 2000s all I could do was rely on renting CDs and taking them to my parents’ house to copy and burn onto blank CDs I carried everywhere I went while I didn’t have a job. One of my first major expenses was an iPod.

The other issue was, I own more CDs than I probably should because of this liking one song or assuming a song was on a soundtrack when it wasn’t, which was another annoying factor of liking songs from movies. I actually liked the Commitments two soundtracks, I was going to watch that the other day. In the end, I copied what I liked off all my compilations and soundtracks and sold them to the same people I rented CDs from. I still have a copy of Tori’s Under the Pink Australia Only CD. I could only cope having the songs I liked, and even then I was still missing out. I got away with the typical ways we all got music back then, but I sucked up to people I didn’t like who had CD burners and music I wanted. I wish I could’ve been able to compile everything easier than I did. I owned the fricken Encino Man soundtrack and took it to school to play a lot (I wasn’t supposed to take a walkman to school but I could take CDs). The Clueless soundtrack is pretty great but I didn’t hold onto it, I don’t think… I have the Singles and Say Anything… soundtracks, which I regret copying in the latter’s case because there’s a track on there I can’t find a digital version of. When I last had a CD ROM drive I didn’t rip everything I owned, including Glean by They Might Be Giants. I looked into buying an external drive but realised it’s actually cheaper to repurchase digital versions, and in the case of Oyster by Heather Nova, I got a song that was cut from the Australian release. I do like the Craft soundtrack but didn’t copy it either, I have regrets.

I resented paying for a YouTube subscription until I accepted I can access YouTube Music and use this instead of spending on iTunes. I only resent I can’t use a generic music app on my phone to play DRM music. If I could, I’d be happier but I’ll live with the circumstances and it does make more sense to make use of a subscription I’m already paying that keeps it ad free, which was my aversion to Spotify. I get pissed enough you have to put up with podcast ads now. I get why but I hate it.

But I was a simp for this stuff, you could really manipulate me if you had something sonic and I didn’t. I still believe in physical media and hoarding whatever digital files I can. I don’t know how to get access to downloaded songs from YouTube. But I have access. All I wanted was access to this shit, something I could keep for myself, and straight streaming made me feel like it wasn’t mine. I know it’s not mine on iTunes, I get it, but I’ll still store them on hard drive no matter what. I was going to list all the CDs I hoarded for the one or two songs I wanted, I couldn’t get singles either, when I did love an album despite only wanting one or two songs, this was a bonus. I did buy singles wherever I could, I kinda miss going hunting for singles, however having the ability to download an album and get instant gratification, it doesn’t mean as much to anyone who’s only known music in this form. I’ve had people send me things, my brother used to do mail exchanges for copies of rare tracks, bootlegs are still out there, and I do stress about these going missing since they’re so hard to find. Treasures. I do hoard these like flimsy trinkets in a bower bird’s nest. We had to stop and realise how kids now aren’t ever going to experience trying to find songs they want the way we had to. I went looking for a song I was obsessing over but I dumbly forgot to bookmark it and I’d have to think about how to find it again. I’d hear a song on Parker Lewis Can’t Lose and obsess over it until I found it. I end up on rambles about this which I’m sure I’ve done before, but I know how it feels to have a song in your head but you can’t remember the name or who sung it, or you pick the wrong artist or the title doesn’t match the chorus or line you remember. I’m getting tired thinking about it.

She is me and I am her… Benny and Joon

I have stories about this movie, well more to do with its soundtrack. There’s reasons I can’t watch it as easily as I did as a kid, it has a whole other meaning since I was diagnosed Autistic. I could say a lot about the representation being really on the nose. I mean it’s, Rain Man if Dustin Hoffman was Mary Stewart Masterson. It’s important she looks reasonably young but not too childlike. And you can be forgiven for thinking Benny’s played by Johnny Depp, he’s kind of top billing for how small a role he plays comparatively. He’s Edward Scissorhands without the scissors, he was kind of typecast as a quiet oddball.

It’s ablest and Joon’s actually perceptive in her observations of how fucking stupid everyone is around her. Meanwhile brother Benny is actually surrounded by idiots in his own life, people bugging him for advice, irresponsible William H Macy smoking around open fuel. Joon’s the actual least of his issues but he leans on her as an excuse to stagnate. Joon’s relatively fulfilled in her own right, but we’re obscured when her  actual diagnosis appears onscreen. So you can speculate, and I can be sure Autism wasn’t even considered. Her violent outbursts and episodes vex CCH Pounder who plays her doctor, she pushes a group home as an alternative to her burning through day helpers, Mrs Smail her last housekeeper/help who agitates Joon needlessly. Seriously, if people left her alone for the most part, her stress wouldn’t be so hard to manage. Through an updated lens, I can tell you now that would’ve been better treated. Them living in a messy home makes sense, Benny’s life is made out to be far worse than it honestly is, they prove he’s bringing most of this on himself. (He also has a goldfish, its death a metaphor for his inability to care for anyone well). He turns down pretty girls because “Joon”. He can run an auto shop but he has staff, his buddy offers to cover the business (the Buddy also has a boring lampshade of a hot girlfriend who literally has no lines, it’s kinda gross). Him being Joon’s brother adds to them just having needless sibling tension. She’s easily agitated because paranoia does make you think people are cheating you. I identify with her more in her moments of slight agitation rather than full blown psychosis. But she’s also portrayed as needlessly combative as well, she’s got pyromania but she’s not burnt the house down, she has an attitude, she’s resentful. But she’s also boxed in and denied agency. They’re both traumatised, I’m assuming this triggers an existing thing in Joon but it implies she may have been “normal” prior to the horrific death of their parents in a traffic incident. But she’s hyper intelligent, and it does make you alienate yourself from “your kind” if you’re smart and crazy.

Also her losing poker and gaining a boyfriend is farfetched, but this is a whimsical love story on the brink of reality, right? Sam can write but can’t read, we don’t know what’s wrong with him, medically I’d also say Autism, for the sake of the film, he’s eccentric and a bit “dull”. But he gets by on imitating Buster Keaton and having an encyclopaedic knowledge of film. I think Johnny Boy (look I fucking hate this man, forget about the women in his life, he’s still a garbage piece of shit) really wanted to have as many “interesting” roles under his belt at the time. He adores Ruthie, Julianne Moore, who’s had a fair share of meatier roles than this. I love the aesthetics and cinematography, it’s not entirely condescending. Joon’s not sure how to deal with Sam, he has to sleep in her studio, he sees Joon’s effectively infantilised but he’s not really grown up enough to cope with the real world. The “couple crazy kids” idea’s really pushed to its limit. They have an innocent fascination with one another that naturally progresses. Benny stupidly leaving Sam in charge causes this, so it’s gross he doesn’t take responsibility. But Sam can match her freak, so it makes sense. It also delays Benny breaking it to Joon she’s being farmed out.

The soundtrack has four major songs in, one actually being by Temple of the Dog called Pushing Forward Back, 500 Miles by the Proclaimers, and a couple of songs by Joe Cocker. It does not and never did have In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel. I explain why this is a bummer over here and my stack of soundtracks for that “one song” got pretty big.

The black and white picture of little Benny and Joon is actually pretty well photoshopped for the time. The  moments of calm they have are touching but Joon allowing Sam closer to her is quite sweet. Sam mashes potatoes with a tennis racquet, makes grilled cheese with an iron and vacuums the bed. They bond over raisins, they’re undeniably cute together. Depp was incredibly good looking before he turned into a piece of shit alcoholic. Sam and Joon kinda matchmake Ruthie and Benny. I fucking love their house it’s so pretty. Sam’s echolalia counts to his diagnosis. Seriously, them both being Autistic really makes sense. Ruthie’s B-Grade slasher movie is adorable, it kinda weirdly juxtaposes Joon’s violent behaviour. If I’d been capable I probably would’ve thrown more shit than I did. I was going to watch this with audio commentary but the director sounded both bored and boring.

Sam and Ruthie have their own awkwardness that’s cute. And Ruthie becomes integral in Sam’s life. Sam and Joon have a cute little almost kiss before Sam somehow plays the balloon diagetically with the score. Benny has to dodge Joon’s doctor’s insistence she go to the home. The doctor isn’t getting in the way necessarily, but she’s not presenting other options. She represents the sterility Joon has to face if she’s admitted. The hospital’s spartan and dull compared to her world when Sam’s around, he brings in light and goodness but Benny’s possessiveness pretty much ruins everything for her. We see Joon does as much for Sam in terms of helping him with his words, he’s gentle but protective, but misguided about her illness, them running away together is because of Benny. I think they gave Joon enough personal strength and a hidden agency that holds her above Dustin Hoffman’s character. She can make choices and speak for herself, we’re not supposed to believe she’s better off in a group home, she’s better off with Sam, Ruthie conveniently has an empty apartment for them where Benny can make a compromise knowing she’s got someone else watching out for her. It really is about Benny and Joon, in the same way Say Anything is about Jim and Dianne, again the “main character” gets confused in the marketing a tad. I don’t think Benny and Joon’s trailer is entirely dishonest, it was more the posters all had Johnny Depp given he was the drawcard of the film. I don’t remember when I first saw it I do know I had to get a copy of the TV, there was a period of time all my favourite movies were on recorded VHS, one of which was missing fifteen minutes due to the timer record running out. Benny and Joon was one of the first DVDs I impatiently got from the US since there was also a significant delay for region 4 DVDs to be released in my country, I went to the painstaking bother of returning a DVD player I was told I didn’t have to unlock for region 1 DVDs to work. They effectively lied on the boxes and they still have a lot of misleading info on Bluray players, the cheapo one I bought still needs a code I have to remember to stick on the damn remote so I’m not relying on the internet. I’ve considered replacing some DVDs with Blurays as these copies are not good quality, really, they’re rarely transferred well, if you care, you have to look for good Blurays that aren’t just DVD/VHS transfers, I was willing to put up with shit to get a movie on DVD.

I turned the movie off so I might finish this tomorrow.

I didn’t finish it yesterday, or whatever day. I’ve been kinda snoozing on it.

I like Ruthie calls Benny out on his shit when she offers him a beer. He’s used to girls shrugging off his polite rejections, she’s not complicated but he’s inferred she is. The park scene is actually pretty well staged. Depp has always been a character actor, he’s just developed an obscene ego from too much praise. I don’t find him to be exceptionally good, he was pulling off certain stunts well, he says he’s been kicked out of school for it. Benny stays in the park to see if he can be as coordinated as Sam, he has to accepted he’s unremarkable, this also being a mistake since inevitably Sam and Joon are going to sleep together. There’s a kind of weird hesitation, the framing of this is a little on the nose, the implication being this is a first time thing and is entirely innocent, they might as well be teenagers. I can’t remember how old Joon’s supposed to be, it’s why her casting is perfect, Mary Stewart Masterson’s petite but not tiny. It’s a cute scene, but they know they have to hide what happened, least Joon knows it’s going to upset Benny, which is sad and only demonstrate’s his unreasonable chokehold on Joon.

There’s a missing scene where Sam auditions for William H Macy, he’s an agent, he can do bookings, they discuss it but it doesn’t wind up going anywhere, it raises contention later. Sam’s not interested in being famous, he just wants to work at the video store. I think at this point Joon’s supposedly taught him to read a bit. The audition’s planned but, I can see why it’s cut out but the flow is better without it. Ruthie’s kinda cunty about Benny’s second attempt at a date. Benny’s actually kinda controlling over Sam too, he’s a total ass assuming Sam would never want to look after Joon willingly. Benny treats Sam like a total predator at this point. For all the talk of keeping her stress to a minimum, nobody does it for Joon and she has no personal coping mechanisms like painting. Benny’s just abusive in response, Joon breaks down and it’s more tragic how calm she is later, she’s depressed which is worse than anxious. Benny goes out for compensatory tapioca when he sees they’re out, which prompts him leaving Joon alone again. Sam’s tree’s pretty rad, the location scout for this movie is amazing.

Joon burns the photoshop of her and Benny and Sam comes back for her, we’ve no idea where he’s off to. Benny has to bug Ruthie for tapioca (I really want to try some), she thinks the tapioca’s a line, but she forgives Benny once he says it’s for Joon. Thing is, Sam’s fine with dealing with the outside world, all he’s underestimated is Joon’s condition. She’s obviously terrified, look everyone’s to fucking blame for the bus incident. I don’t think this is handled badly as a scene, it’s a meltdown, Sam tries to help, he does his best but it’s kinda too late. The way she reacts to sudden noises and the light outside, it’s authentically an autistic break as it is a psychotic one. Having to contain that amount of energy in public is a nightmare, and Joon again isn’t able to. She’s not the problem, she’s scaring people but she’s not the fucking problem. Sam now has to face what he wasn’t willing to accept. (I have no idea how she breaks that fucking window, she couldn’t kick it hard enough for it to smash, it’s for dramatic effect, she’s “breaking”).

CCH Pounder now has to run defence and keep people away. Again, if someone in your life does this it might be for better reasons than hate or resentment, either way just accept it. Shitty as it may be. Sam still puts Benny in his place after Benny calls him a moron. Sam’s figured out Benny’s hiding behind Joon’s shit to avoid his own. Ruthie sweetly takes Sam in, really he should’ve lived in her building. 

The hospital sneak scene’s funny, but you can see a younger audience being offended. Benny’s other buddy, the nervy one who can’t play poker without folding constantly also works in the hospital. The roles everyone plays are sensible and unique, I don’t have a movie to compare it to, it’s not Rain Man or Cuckoo’s Nest. The score is ingenious with its theme and variation. Without a plan, Sam has to improvise as a possible patient. The trailer makes him out to be a nutjob, he’s just eccentric.

Joon sits forlornly in her room, dubious about Benny’s suggestion she live in Ruthie’s building. Benny was beyond a jerk, Joon tells him he needs her to be sick, again, this isn’t a romance, the story is about Benny and Joon. It’s a cool misdirect in terms of titles with ampersands in them. CCH Pounder’s pissed about Benny breaking in. So she has to facilitate the discussion, meanwhile Sam climbs up and gets the window washer swing and we get the classic moment Joon has to pretend she’s not seeing anything. Then she gets to go back to Sam after having a very sweet moment with Benny where nothing needs to be said, it’s nice there’s more emotions than words.

Eventually, Benny shows up with roses for Ruthie and she forgives him. We end on Sam teaching Joon how to make grilled cheese with an iron, and Benny leaves another bunch of roses and leaves them to it. I don’t think you can hurl insults at how it represents mental illness, it could’ve been a lot more egregious and been really hyperbolic with the editing, they don’t put anyone in straight jackets, you don’t see her “peers” so you’re not making her hospital look threatening, just sterile and cold. You could still say Joon’s just being infantilised by Sam instead of Benny, but she’s holding the iron while he patiently shows her what to do, and she’s not fixed or cured, she’s just in a better spot and she has some hope. Ending a movie with that sentiment is nicer than suggesting she can’t be helped. It’s the least offensive representation I’ve seen, it’s also the only one I can cite if I ever struggle explaining my situation. It’s not a one for one comparison, (you’d think otherwise based on accounts but people speaking for me and trying to narrate my story is another issue I no longer have) but it’s close. And I think Masterson makes it her own, I don’t know if she sat with people with mental illnesses but I’m not offended by the notion she didn’t, she brings something else, a bit more humanity. And she could’ve been a Manic Pixie type, but she’s completely understated in that regard, even in her moments of apparent lunacy, she’s not acting like a lunatic. She’s quirky and people will find that patronising, if not condescending to their sensibilities. But she’s well spoken and intelligent. She’s just very easily agitated, it’s the agitation that needs relative supervision. You still see her grow up, not entirely but she seems much older once she’s leaving the hospital. Again, she’s still scared but she’s grateful to Benny for letting her take this step.

This hasn’t aged badly the way other movies with mentally ill characters have. It’s not the Fisher King or 12 Monkeys, the former I absolutely adore regardless of Gilliam’s heavy-handed portrayal of psychiatric patients, he still gave them humanity and insight. The 90s wasn’t kind to people with mental illnesses but it wasn’t entirely derogatory or exploitative.

Anyway, I have to recommend this, I still liked watching it despite the triggering content. This wouldn’t have had those types of trigger warnings too, by the way, so if you do have issue with representations of mental “health” facilities or the mentally ill, maybe still give it a pass.

As if, Jim. AS IF. (Titanic is BS)

Jim, there’s no way the news would’ve allowed Kate Winslet’s tits on TV like that. They’d have straight cut to a break or at the least pixelated them. C’mon.

Anyway, I don’t know how I feel about Titanic other than I hate it got James Cameron so much unearned critical praise after its release. I think it turned him into a bigger egotist. The other day I also assumed he was salty about his ex wife winning the Oscar for Best Director for Zero Dark Thirty, but he was happy for her, it was Quentin Tarantino that was salty about it. (I’ve already said my piece about him). The set up for the movie is pretty engaging, it’s a cool premise. But it was the reason everyone thought it was just a movie not based on any kind of historical event. The acting isn’t great, I’m sorry. The couple of jokes about other historical moments regarding finding significant people and artefacts are a bit dumb. (Yeah, the Al Capone joke’s good but calling Anastasia “Anaesthesia” is fucking dumb. I get these people aren’t smart, they’re effectively pirates trawling for treasure, Bill Paxton’s clued in but his crew are tools). But the narrative structure is fine, I just forgot this thing is three hours fifteen minutes long, and this was before Gold Class and other premium cinemas were operating. And back when going to the movies was still a good way to pass the time. I really don’t regard James Cameron as the world’s best writer, he’s a good director, he just needs to get over himself. Rose comparing herself to a common slave being taken away to America is kinda on the nose. I’m sure they’ll be a lot of derogatory language concerning blacks and the Irish. Leo’s… fine. Kate carries it and him and Billy Zane. This made Leo a bigger pinup than he was. This also came out when I was hormonal in high school and it didn’t do much for me but I like the love story, I don’t think there’s much else going on with it other than iceberg in the third act.

This script is actually hokey as fuck. I think it entertained the masses because Jim writes for a broad audience, I’ll give him that. He’s not primary writer on the first two Terminator films, T2’s my favourite action movie so by default it’s my favourite JC movie. (See what I did there?) I’m also watching this on Netflix but I also got bored last time I watched it so I’m testing to see if it’ll bore me again. I don’t remember being enthralled in the theatre. The faux -Enya score is because she refused to score the film, I don’t think she’s agreed to lend her talent to many projects, you have to beg her to use her songs that are also memed to death. I loved Enya before it was cool. And apparently Celine Dion’s demo of My Heart Will Go On was what went to release. I do like Celine, I liked her in high school, I like the song, it’s still pretty stirring, it’ll never really disappear.

Oh, and Rose is giving “not like other girls” vibes but that’s in part to Winslet’s personality, she’s fantastic in this. You can tell she’s also squeezed into corsets. Billy Zane has to be the asshole Leo saves her from. She’s also giving mega-undiagnosed-Autism vibes. I like their “meet-cute” (I despise that nomenclature, it makes me think of actual meat and meat isn’t cute), it adds to the tragedy of their romance. And I love her outfits are quite discerning and modern, she loves modern art, we get it, but she’s a loveable character. OMG she LITERALLY SAYS YOU DON’T KNOW ME. Oh, and Jack’s smart too for a povo artist. Ugh, but he’s sooooo 90s Leo, he went a long time without an Oscar because he wasn’t really stretching himself until he got powned by a bear. Of course he lands on her after rescuing her and it looks like he’s assaulting her. And oh SNAP someone makes a bitches shouldn’t mix with machinery gag. HEEEYOOO. This movie is cliche-ridden, I feel there’s a reason it’s not gotten Best Screenplay, I don’t even think it deserves a Golden Globe nom.

ROSE IS AUTISTIC. Sorry, I’m just identifying with her really hard now. Then they have a little clever banter moment, she’s sassy, he’s sassy. The chemistry is there. She appreciates art, he makes art. Somehow that means the six o’clock news will be open to showing tits when Janet Jackson couldn’t even show nipple. (That scene prompted this post.) I’m now live-blogging Titanic.

We get a gag about women needing university to find a husband. Then someone makes a crack about That Brown Woman approaching, I forgot she’s white and thought they meant an actual brown woman. Oh yeah, the other story is the Titanic being pushed too hard. Which creates a narrative problem. How is Rose speaking on this when she’s not present? And how is she speaking on Jack’s perspective, apart from him telling her, she couldn’t have succinctly retold that. I forgot they just end up a couple crazy kids hawk tuin’ over the edge of the ship. Rose did it first. Molly Brown takes Jack under her rotund wing (I jest, Kathy Bates is great in this). The characters in this are fine, kinda basic. I think Jim has a moderate understanding of societal norms in that period but no more than an actual historian. I don’t think he’s really made another period piece. I feel like someone else could’ve punched it up a bit, but this was his “baby” and he really did get too much praise for it. He does toss in some historical characters for good measure. Reality being this is a spectacle drama with a romance. 

Jack parries the snobbery with charm. Then you have to throw in a multiple cutlery gag. The dialogue is what Americans think old timey people spoke. Rose’s mother and Billy Zane are a foil to the couple, the movie is really a basic romance with some Riverdance bullshit thrown in. (I think this was around the time that was unreasonably popular, between that and Enya people really got high doses of Celtic shit back then, when you could excuse culturally appropriating Celtic shit). Rose takes a drink to the face with good grace and stands on her toes and everyone thinks she’s lovely. I have to say they also went out of their way to make Billy Zane look less attractive, he has guy-liner. Jesus, why? And Kate Winslet was still considered fat for how thin she looks, if you had an inch of flesh on you, you were fat. I forgot Rose has been sold into slavery for the sake of her povo family and emotionally blackmailed by her mother. Again, the story is okay it’s the dialogue letting it down. And the OG Master from Dr. Who gets in the way of Jack seeing Rose. 

Oh, the icebergs are brought up much earlier than I remember. It’s the speed they’re going that’s the issue. I get the ship is a character in the story, we all had to endure Jim’s obsession with deep sea diving and he didn’t go down in tin cans so he’s survived a trek some rich men haven’t. Oh, yeah, and we know there’s not enough life boats, we have to reiterate her “unsinkableness” for the sake of dumb audience members. Leo’s trying sooooo hard to be seen as brilliant but he’s sooooo far off that. I do like him in Wolf of Wall St. I owe him dropping a role in a certain Disney film. And yeah, this is a rapid fire Romeo and Juliet falling in love speed run. I think Jim’s done okay to interweave the ship’s story with the love story, he has to have his principals take a tour of the ship for this exposition. It’s… fine. Everything about this movie is… fine. The ADR is kind of insufferable. The “flying” set up and payoff is fine. According to Winslet, the flying scene was also a nightmare to film. It’s been memed to cringy death. Yeah, we get it, he taught her to fly. But this movie was MEMED to death before memes were memes, children. It’s being memed to this day.

Then the dumb researchers are pausing for a recap on the first half, I don’t know if this was because the audience needs a breather or Jim thought they were too dumb to figure out what was happening. Then we cut to the “French Girls” scene. Another memefied to death scene. See, the issue with memes and movies before memes, so it’s ultra difficult to watch these films without doing the Leo pointing at the TV meme. Our memes within memes. We had little to no internet back then, so we couldn’t make the memes in real time. We had to wait in the caves with crude utensils scratching out proto-memes in the rock. And Katie didn’t use a body double, she was brave as fuck to do this. (I recently played a story game with a similar scene only it was two chicks in Revolutionary France). This is subtle foreplay for those playing at home. I think I also recently heard Jim had to sit in Leo’s place during this scene and he sketched her, yeah he did… There’s a lot of weird facts coming out about this movie now. The sketch has major Gillian Anderson vibes. The scene transitions are tasteful from here, old Rose enthrals the crew with her tale. Billy’s guy liner is criminal.

Now we have to cut between berg and love story. It’s all very foreshadowy and tense now they’re flying blind into peril. And Jesus, Jospeh and Mary we’ve not even hit halfway. I completely forgot the entire other half is them fucking then the ship sinking. There’s barely any story, like sincerely I’m sure the shooting script is two hours long. They get to run away from the Master. And I kinda forgot we can make a Heathers “Boiler room” gag now. It’s fun they find a car to fuck in. I’ll give them that. And Rose initiates because Jim writes “Strong, independent wamyns.” Look, Jim, Brits don’t say “cheerio” that much. And it’s kinda stupid they frame Jack. It’s a boring plot to hang a sinking off. This is pre- R&J which actually kind of sucked. (I despise Baz Lurman, BTW but I might chance R&J and see if it’s any good, I flip-flopped on it after I realised he overuses the speed up footage to Benny Hill nonsense thing way too much.) And the lookout boys have a not-gay moment. And there’s too many cups of tea in this. Look, JIM, the Brits don’t live with cups of tea in their hands. This is slander.

The sinking really becomes a class war, the boiler room attendants are the first on the chopping block. The lower decks are flooded while they lie to the rich about the catastrophe. See, being poor means you’re the first to know when society is actively crumbling. The kids play kick-a-bit-of-berg after the lull of the ship scraping the berg.

Rose makes her declaration and Jack gets framed but there’s more to it, Jack’s got a borrowed coat which in povo terms means stolen. I mean, really, the boat’s the victim of a misguided, shitty PR stunt.

Rose gets dramatically slapped. Somehow people slept through the berg hit so I guess the ship is a big bitch. This is a movie for dumb Americans, Jim’s bread and butter, so he has to pander to their expectations of the British. And Rose knows the architect of the ship, I forgot he’s acquainted with her so by rights she has an inside track, it makes sense for the heroine to be properly informed and have agency. Jack’s getting cuffed by the Master and held at gunpoint. The Captain’s spacing out from stress, I feel for the bugger, he’s having a bad night. The band isn’t playing Abide with Me… YET. OH, I forgot John’s foster mother from T2 is in this. Jim had a small stable of actors, Paxton included. Now we get to watch the lifeboats fail spectacularly. I don’t really get how the Master is cool with hanging out in the slopey bit of the boat. Rose’s mum makes sure she’s still getting a first class ticket, because Karens will Karen even on the sinking Titanic. Rose disowns her mother and tells Billy she can’t marry a man with guy-liner. I forgot she spits in his face, she would straight put Hawk Taur girl to shame. You know she did that to Jack’s dick. She also forces a poor lift operator to go down to get Jack. She could’ve pulled the lever herself, I appreciate he gets out of it but, shit Rose, way to use your useless privilege now. Babes now’s not the time to be explaining how you knew Jack was cool. This is where everyone probably got a tad pruney. Suddenly our strong independent wamyn is useless. She has has a nice coat though. And now she’s punching men with lifejackets. This is kind of insufferable until she finds a fire axe. I’m sure they trimmed that bit down in other versions. I get she’s saving Jack and all but F me it’s a bit much. And shit, this was just an excuse for an Abyss callback. JIM, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE WATER, YOUR BRAIN IS GETTING WET.

Leo was always good with the levity in stressful moments. She frees him but now they’re really boned. I swear Jim just loves putting people in water. UUUUGH this part’s kind of excruciating. I know people were riveted. Billy Zane tries to assure his lineage by jumping the queue. The ship’s men are getting sick of the rich needing to keep their shit. Being a recipient of items that have survived the Blitz, I sometimes wonder how the middle class even kept their nice tea sets through such bullshit. They need more wamyn for the boats but of course the poor revolt while trying to get the wamyn out. Jack finds the boys, who he’s basically snubbed since he met Rose, now the boyz have to find a way out. Billy goes back for the necklace and some cash to use as “insurance”. Jack decides to lead the Revolution by battering ram, he’s victorious against the flimsy gate. And they’re all pretty mean to the crew who are hindering them. Shit gets desperate. The rich rabble have to be subdued by gun. Billy’s Mr Obvious. God, he’s hammy in this.

Rose realises the boats are gone but she just needs a door, she’ll be right. Jack wouldn’t have stayed on it, physics was edited out of this movie. The band plays a jaunty tune while Billy buys his way off the boat. Jack should’ve saved the little girl he snubbed at the party. Billy decides to be a gent but he’s looking for Rose, obviously. Oh, I swear the didn’t get enough actual Brits for extras.

Jack has to let Rose go, and Billy shows up to give her his useless jacket but it doesn’t cockblock Jack, he pretends Jack will be compensated, for some fucking STUPID reason, Jack buys it. I totally forgot all of this. I didn’t go see it ten times in the theatre during sold out sessions where kids sat in the fucking ailses and blocked the fire exits. WE RISKED OUR LIVES FOR THIS FUCKING MOVIE. SAFETY LAWS WERE BROKEN.

Ugh, I totally forgot Billy goes mad and tries to kill Jack. To be fair, it adds some tension to the story. Goddamn it, guyliner get over her, she’s gone. I get she’s got your damn diamond but shit man. 

Jack picks up a spare kid who should’ve drowned by now, then they have to run from a deluge, there’s some strobing. Somehow nobody’s been electrocuted. The kid finds a dad but they get drowned anyway.

Jim just has a fetish for seeing couples nearly drown. And we have to rely on Dutch angles to show how slanty the boat is. I think. I feel like everyone’s a little too balanced to be standing that way. One of the povos gets shot in the lifejacket since it’s not a flak-jacket. The man responsible shoots himself and Billy steals a child to get off the boat, Jesus man, you’re an asshole.

The guy who designed the SS “This Piece of Shit Doesn’t Float” has to give Rose a life-jacket. And I swear the Dutch angles are working overtime. People should be slipping more than they do. The Captain knows he’s got to go down now. This is just now Dutch Angle the Movie. And finally we get to Abide with Me, so shit’s over. John Connor’s adoptive mother stays with her kiddos. It’s all very sad. Billy dumps the kid and tries to save his neck. The mussos decide they’re better men for staying but I’ve met , they’re the first to jump ship with the theatre kids.

I think a lot of urban myths came out of this scene, that extras died. Apparently not, but Winslet almost did when her coat got snagged, and the crew got poisoned with PCP. Anyway, I’ll skip to the end, I got distracted. I don’t love this movie, I don’t even like it very much. I don’t believe that Jack knows the ship will pull them down but realistically you can believe they would’ve survived. And no, he would’ve capsized the door, so put that to bed, they make it clear enough he’s tipping it by adding his weight. The ending isn’t terrible, it just overstays its welcome. The big reunion at the end is nice and all but very flowery. It’s all fine, it’s the little big movie that could, I can see why Jim was so proud of it doing well and getting accolades for it was big for him. And this is three years before the Lord of the Rings became the benchmark. I can’t stand Avatar, I don’t fucking care how pretty it looks, there’s nothing to it. It’s Dances with Smurfs, and I’m tired of him banging on about the other films. I’m genuinely tired of him, he’s egotistically and cringy, he’s the Weeknd of cinema, doesn’t show up for awards shows if his name’s not in the nominations for Best Director/Picture, I despise that mentality. I despise him so when I heard his wife might win Best Director over him, I just made sure I saw the announcements, I didn’t bother watching the actual clip. So I was surprised he was okay with it and Avatar wasn’t up for Best anything that he should care about. I dunno. It’s his expectation he be rewarded for his mediocrity that fucking annoys me. Entitled shithead.

Anyway, Titanic is BS. Case Closed.

Actually, watch the Plinkett review of this, it’s better explained by a drunk basement dweller than I have done above.