Anyway, I don’t know how I feel about Titanic other than I hate it got James Cameron so much unearned critical praise after its release. I think it turned him into a bigger egotist. The other day I also assumed he was salty about his ex wife winning the Oscar for Best Director for Zero Dark Thirty, but he was happy for her, it was Quentin Tarantino that was salty about it. (I’ve already said my piece about him). The set up for the movie is pretty engaging, it’s a cool premise. But it was the reason everyone thought it was just a movie not based on any kind of historical event. The acting isn’t great, I’m sorry. The couple of jokes about other historical moments regarding finding significant people and artefacts are a bit dumb. (Yeah, the Al Capone joke’s good but calling Anastasia “Anaesthesia” is fucking dumb. I get these people aren’t smart, they’re effectively pirates trawling for treasure, Bill Paxton’s clued in but his crew are tools). But the narrative structure is fine, I just forgot this thing is three hours fifteen minutes long, and this was before Gold Class and other premium cinemas were operating. And back when going to the movies was still a good way to pass the time. I really don’t regard James Cameron as the world’s best writer, he’s a good director, he just needs to get over himself. Rose comparing herself to a common slave being taken away to America is kinda on the nose. I’m sure they’ll be a lot of derogatory language concerning blacks and the Irish. Leo’s… fine. Kate carries it and him and Billy Zane. This made Leo a bigger pinup than he was. This also came out when I was hormonal in high school and it didn’t do much for me but I like the love story, I don’t think there’s much else going on with it other than iceberg in the third act.
This script is actually hokey as fuck. I think it entertained the masses because Jim writes for a broad audience, I’ll give him that. He’s not primary writer on the first two Terminator films, T2’s my favourite action movie so by default it’s my favourite JC movie. (See what I did there?) I’m also watching this on Netflix but I also got bored last time I watched it so I’m testing to see if it’ll bore me again. I don’t remember being enthralled in the theatre. The faux -Enya score is because she refused to score the film, I don’t think she’s agreed to lend her talent to many projects, you have to beg her to use her songs that are also memed to death. I loved Enya before it was cool. And apparently Celine Dion’s demo of My Heart Will Go On was what went to release. I do like Celine, I liked her in high school, I like the song, it’s still pretty stirring, it’ll never really disappear.
Oh, and Rose is giving “not like other girls” vibes but that’s in part to Winslet’s personality, she’s fantastic in this. You can tell she’s also squeezed into corsets. Billy Zane has to be the asshole Leo saves her from. She’s also giving mega-undiagnosed-Autism vibes. I like their “meet-cute” (I despise that nomenclature, it makes me think of actual meat and meat isn’t cute), it adds to the tragedy of their romance. And I love her outfits are quite discerning and modern, she loves modern art, we get it, but she’s a loveable character. OMG she LITERALLY SAYS YOU DON’T KNOW ME. Oh, and Jack’s smart too for a povo artist. Ugh, but he’s sooooo 90s Leo, he went a long time without an Oscar because he wasn’t really stretching himself until he got powned by a bear. Of course he lands on her after rescuing her and it looks like he’s assaulting her. And oh SNAP someone makes a bitches shouldn’t mix with machinery gag. HEEEYOOO. This movie is cliche-ridden, I feel there’s a reason it’s not gotten Best Screenplay, I don’t even think it deserves a Golden Globe nom.
ROSE IS AUTISTIC. Sorry, I’m just identifying with her really hard now. Then they have a little clever banter moment, she’s sassy, he’s sassy. The chemistry is there. She appreciates art, he makes art. Somehow that means the six o’clock news will be open to showing tits when Janet Jackson couldn’t even show nipple. (That scene prompted this post.) I’m now live-blogging Titanic.
We get a gag about women needing university to find a husband. Then someone makes a crack about That Brown Woman approaching, I forgot she’s white and thought they meant an actual brown woman. Oh yeah, the other story is the Titanic being pushed too hard. Which creates a narrative problem. How is Rose speaking on this when she’s not present? And how is she speaking on Jack’s perspective, apart from him telling her, she couldn’t have succinctly retold that. I forgot they just end up a couple crazy kids hawk tuin’ over the edge of the ship. Rose did it first. Molly Brown takes Jack under her rotund wing (I jest, Kathy Bates is great in this). The characters in this are fine, kinda basic. I think Jim has a moderate understanding of societal norms in that period but no more than an actual historian. I don’t think he’s really made another period piece. I feel like someone else could’ve punched it up a bit, but this was his “baby” and he really did get too much praise for it. He does toss in some historical characters for good measure. Reality being this is a spectacle drama with a romance.
Jack parries the snobbery with charm. Then you have to throw in a multiple cutlery gag. The dialogue is what Americans think old timey people spoke. Rose’s mother and Billy Zane are a foil to the couple, the movie is really a basic romance with some Riverdance bullshit thrown in. (I think this was around the time that was unreasonably popular, between that and Enya people really got high doses of Celtic shit back then, when you could excuse culturally appropriating Celtic shit). Rose takes a drink to the face with good grace and stands on her toes and everyone thinks she’s lovely. I have to say they also went out of their way to make Billy Zane look less attractive, he has guy-liner. Jesus, why? And Kate Winslet was still considered fat for how thin she looks, if you had an inch of flesh on you, you were fat. I forgot Rose has been sold into slavery for the sake of her povo family and emotionally blackmailed by her mother. Again, the story is okay it’s the dialogue letting it down. And the OG Master from Dr. Who gets in the way of Jack seeing Rose.
Oh, the icebergs are brought up much earlier than I remember. It’s the speed they’re going that’s the issue. I get the ship is a character in the story, we all had to endure Jim’s obsession with deep sea diving and he didn’t go down in tin cans so he’s survived a trek some rich men haven’t. Oh, yeah, and we know there’s not enough life boats, we have to reiterate her “unsinkableness” for the sake of dumb audience members. Leo’s trying sooooo hard to be seen as brilliant but he’s sooooo far off that. I do like him in Wolf of Wall St. I owe him dropping a role in a certain Disney film. And yeah, this is a rapid fire Romeo and Juliet falling in love speed run. I think Jim’s done okay to interweave the ship’s story with the love story, he has to have his principals take a tour of the ship for this exposition. It’s… fine. Everything about this movie is… fine. The ADR is kind of insufferable. The “flying” set up and payoff is fine. According to Winslet, the flying scene was also a nightmare to film. It’s been memed to cringy death. Yeah, we get it, he taught her to fly. But this movie was MEMED to death before memes were memes, children. It’s being memed to this day.
Then the dumb researchers are pausing for a recap on the first half, I don’t know if this was because the audience needs a breather or Jim thought they were too dumb to figure out what was happening. Then we cut to the “French Girls” scene. Another memefied to death scene. See, the issue with memes and movies before memes, so it’s ultra difficult to watch these films without doing the Leo pointing at the TV meme. Our memes within memes. We had little to no internet back then, so we couldn’t make the memes in real time. We had to wait in the caves with crude utensils scratching out proto-memes in the rock. And Katie didn’t use a body double, she was brave as fuck to do this. (I recently played a story game with a similar scene only it was two chicks in Revolutionary France). This is subtle foreplay for those playing at home. I think I also recently heard Jim had to sit in Leo’s place during this scene and he sketched her, yeah he did… There’s a lot of weird facts coming out about this movie now. The sketch has major Gillian Anderson vibes. The scene transitions are tasteful from here, old Rose enthrals the crew with her tale. Billy’s guy liner is criminal.
Now we have to cut between berg and love story. It’s all very foreshadowy and tense now they’re flying blind into peril. And Jesus, Jospeh and Mary we’ve not even hit halfway. I completely forgot the entire other half is them fucking then the ship sinking. There’s barely any story, like sincerely I’m sure the shooting script is two hours long. They get to run away from the Master. And I kinda forgot we can make a Heathers “Boiler room” gag now. It’s fun they find a car to fuck in. I’ll give them that. And Rose initiates because Jim writes “Strong, independent wamyns.” Look, Jim, Brits don’t say “cheerio” that much. And it’s kinda stupid they frame Jack. It’s a boring plot to hang a sinking off. This is pre- R&J which actually kind of sucked. (I despise Baz Lurman, BTW but I might chance R&J and see if it’s any good, I flip-flopped on it after I realised he overuses the speed up footage to Benny Hill nonsense thing way too much.) And the lookout boys have a not-gay moment. And there’s too many cups of tea in this. Look, JIM, the Brits don’t live with cups of tea in their hands. This is slander.
The sinking really becomes a class war, the boiler room attendants are the first on the chopping block. The lower decks are flooded while they lie to the rich about the catastrophe. See, being poor means you’re the first to know when society is actively crumbling. The kids play kick-a-bit-of-berg after the lull of the ship scraping the berg.
Rose makes her declaration and Jack gets framed but there’s more to it, Jack’s got a borrowed coat which in povo terms means stolen. I mean, really, the boat’s the victim of a misguided, shitty PR stunt.
Rose gets dramatically slapped. Somehow people slept through the berg hit so I guess the ship is a big bitch. This is a movie for dumb Americans, Jim’s bread and butter, so he has to pander to their expectations of the British. And Rose knows the architect of the ship, I forgot he’s acquainted with her so by rights she has an inside track, it makes sense for the heroine to be properly informed and have agency. Jack’s getting cuffed by the Master and held at gunpoint. The Captain’s spacing out from stress, I feel for the bugger, he’s having a bad night. The band isn’t playing Abide with Me… YET. OH, I forgot John’s foster mother from T2 is in this. Jim had a small stable of actors, Paxton included. Now we get to watch the lifeboats fail spectacularly. I don’t really get how the Master is cool with hanging out in the slopey bit of the boat. Rose’s mum makes sure she’s still getting a first class ticket, because Karens will Karen even on the sinking Titanic. Rose disowns her mother and tells Billy she can’t marry a man with guy-liner. I forgot she spits in his face, she would straight put Hawk Taur girl to shame. You know she did that to Jack’s dick. She also forces a poor lift operator to go down to get Jack. She could’ve pulled the lever herself, I appreciate he gets out of it but, shit Rose, way to use your useless privilege now. Babes now’s not the time to be explaining how you knew Jack was cool. This is where everyone probably got a tad pruney. Suddenly our strong independent wamyn is useless. She has has a nice coat though. And now she’s punching men with lifejackets. This is kind of insufferable until she finds a fire axe. I’m sure they trimmed that bit down in other versions. I get she’s saving Jack and all but F me it’s a bit much. And shit, this was just an excuse for an Abyss callback. JIM, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE WATER, YOUR BRAIN IS GETTING WET.
Leo was always good with the levity in stressful moments. She frees him but now they’re really boned. I swear Jim just loves putting people in water. UUUUGH this part’s kind of excruciating. I know people were riveted. Billy Zane tries to assure his lineage by jumping the queue. The ship’s men are getting sick of the rich needing to keep their shit. Being a recipient of items that have survived the Blitz, I sometimes wonder how the middle class even kept their nice tea sets through such bullshit. They need more wamyn for the boats but of course the poor revolt while trying to get the wamyn out. Jack finds the boys, who he’s basically snubbed since he met Rose, now the boyz have to find a way out. Billy goes back for the necklace and some cash to use as “insurance”. Jack decides to lead the Revolution by battering ram, he’s victorious against the flimsy gate. And they’re all pretty mean to the crew who are hindering them. Shit gets desperate. The rich rabble have to be subdued by gun. Billy’s Mr Obvious. God, he’s hammy in this.
Rose realises the boats are gone but she just needs a door, she’ll be right. Jack wouldn’t have stayed on it, physics was edited out of this movie. The band plays a jaunty tune while Billy buys his way off the boat. Jack should’ve saved the little girl he snubbed at the party. Billy decides to be a gent but he’s looking for Rose, obviously. Oh, I swear the didn’t get enough actual Brits for extras.
Jack has to let Rose go, and Billy shows up to give her his useless jacket but it doesn’t cockblock Jack, he pretends Jack will be compensated, for some fucking STUPID reason, Jack buys it. I totally forgot all of this. I didn’t go see it ten times in the theatre during sold out sessions where kids sat in the fucking ailses and blocked the fire exits. WE RISKED OUR LIVES FOR THIS FUCKING MOVIE. SAFETY LAWS WERE BROKEN.
Ugh, I totally forgot Billy goes mad and tries to kill Jack. To be fair, it adds some tension to the story. Goddamn it, guyliner get over her, she’s gone. I get she’s got your damn diamond but shit man.
Jack picks up a spare kid who should’ve drowned by now, then they have to run from a deluge, there’s some strobing. Somehow nobody’s been electrocuted. The kid finds a dad but they get drowned anyway.
Jim just has a fetish for seeing couples nearly drown. And we have to rely on Dutch angles to show how slanty the boat is. I think. I feel like everyone’s a little too balanced to be standing that way. One of the povos gets shot in the lifejacket since it’s not a flak-jacket. The man responsible shoots himself and Billy steals a child to get off the boat, Jesus man, you’re an asshole.
The guy who designed the SS “This Piece of Shit Doesn’t Float” has to give Rose a life-jacket. And I swear the Dutch angles are working overtime. People should be slipping more than they do. The Captain knows he’s got to go down now. This is just now Dutch Angle the Movie. And finally we get to Abide with Me, so shit’s over. John Connor’s adoptive mother stays with her kiddos. It’s all very sad. Billy dumps the kid and tries to save his neck. The mussos decide they’re better men for staying but I’ve met , they’re the first to jump ship with the theatre kids.
I think a lot of urban myths came out of this scene, that extras died. Apparently not, but Winslet almost did when her coat got snagged, and the crew got poisoned with PCP. Anyway, I’ll skip to the end, I got distracted. I don’t love this movie, I don’t even like it very much. I don’t believe that Jack knows the ship will pull them down but realistically you can believe they would’ve survived. And no, he would’ve capsized the door, so put that to bed, they make it clear enough he’s tipping it by adding his weight. The ending isn’t terrible, it just overstays its welcome. The big reunion at the end is nice and all but very flowery. It’s all fine, it’s the little big movie that could, I can see why Jim was so proud of it doing well and getting accolades for it was big for him. And this is three years before the Lord of the Rings became the benchmark. I can’t stand Avatar, I don’t fucking care how pretty it looks, there’s nothing to it. It’s Dances with Smurfs, and I’m tired of him banging on about the other films. I’m genuinely tired of him, he’s egotistically and cringy, he’s the Weeknd of cinema, doesn’t show up for awards shows if his name’s not in the nominations for Best Director/Picture, I despise that mentality. I despise him so when I heard his wife might win Best Director over him, I just made sure I saw the announcements, I didn’t bother watching the actual clip. So I was surprised he was okay with it and Avatar wasn’t up for Best anything that he should care about. I dunno. It’s his expectation he be rewarded for his mediocrity that fucking annoys me. Entitled shithead.
Anyway, Titanic is BS. Case Closed.
Actually, watch the Plinkett review of this, it’s better explained by a drunk basement dweller than I have done above.
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