Admit it, girl. You’d forgive Christian Slater for breaking into your basement, too.

I can’t watch two of my favourite romance movies with a modern audience now knowing they would find the behaviour of the male leads highly questionable. I was so into Untamed Heart while not being a Christian Slater devotee, I was certainly into his “bad boy” bullshit (J.D.’s problematic shit is another issue). I was into his characters in the 90s. His departure from bad boy to misunderstood, softly spoken orphan man with an ape’s heart was a really good move, however.

It’s also another movie I can quote verbatim, everyone brags about that now. When we were starved for entertainment in the 80s and 90s we were far more likely to watch shit over and over. I think I somehow got a copy of this and watched it at home when I was off school. And it had another one of those really well scored scenes I had to tape to keep and listen to, so finding these soundtracks on iTunes decades later has been so fucking amazing, I never would’ve come across them in a store near me, it’s what I can give props to digital outlets for. I think I have this on DVD but I’m watching it on YouTube for free.

Anyway, the 90s had a lot of romances (comedy and drama) where the male protagonists could get away with being “creepy” and “intense”, having said that, they weren’t out and out abusive like some characters are, and now women are into smut, I don’t know why you’d fault me for being into Christian Slater putting up a Christmas tree in Marisa Tomei’s bedroom. She also has to go through sexual assault to make him the hero i.e. all the other men in the film are worse than him, so whatever he does is good comparatively. What I can kinda deconstruct now is, it is kind of hard to prove what the hell Caroline and Adam have in common besides being social misfits. Caroline’s romantically challenged while Adam’s also “innocent”, so I’m sure if a Gen Z kid heard her say “he’s like a kid, but it’s nice” it would really bug them. (I also rewatched Fifth Element and you’re unfairly writing off Leeloo as a baby woman, she has agency and strength and thinks Bruce Willis is weaker than her). There haven’t been as many “baby men” characters I can think of, Adam’s still as strong as a grown man but he seems functionally helpless otherwise, like you have no idea if he’s actually tending to adult things, he eats ice cream, again you’re not supposed to overthink it, it’s meant to be “cute”. And he should’ve taken Caroline to a hospital, she had a concussion. I guess you can put Adam on par with Tarzan, they both have floppy, unkempt hair and are basically nonverbal at the start, and they have an affinity with apes.

But Adam’s been sneaking around and following Caroline under the guise of making sure she’s safe. Or needing to see what sleep looks like. And she has every right to think he’s sketchy at first, he stole a picture of her and lives in a basement that looks suspect from the outside. I think some kind of social service turfed him from the orphanage and got him a job and a shitty apartment. It doesn’t look like anywhere people would choose to live. Caroline living at home is actually more modern, nobody gives her shit for it, it kinda makes her a “loser” in the sense she’s not married with a house and she’s pushing “spinster” age. But nobody can afford to live in their own place on a waitress salary, or even a decent salary, they don’t find a new apartment, she just decides to buy a car instead and hang out in his apartment, she could’ve just moved in with him, really. Plus the Christmas tree actually convinces her Adam’s not so bad, again, deconstruct this, none of this would work in reality, the 90s really needed women to suspend their disbelief. He’s tapping into her inner child so it’s like they’re both very innocently falling in love, it’s cute if you take out all the implications. 90s movies were for distracting you from reality, not reminding you, well most movies were, it’s kinda sucky they’re constantly injecting reality into films now. I was so chronically obsessed with films like this.

The other “problematic” boyfriend is Lloyd Dobler, you have to go to great lengths to defend him even though people constantly reference that one scene, like Flashdance, you KNOW A REFERENCE TO IT, you NEVER FUCKING EVEN SAW THE DAMN MOVIE. Know how I know, Taylor? You think it’s a John Hughes movie. IT’S NOT. I really want to ask everyone who refers to that scene if they either know what movie it even is or if they actually saw it. Know how I also know? Most of the top searches on Google are asking WHAT IT WAS FROM and WHICH SONG WAS ON THE BOOMBOX (the answer differs depending on what was in the final cut and what played on the day of shooting, and guess what? I KNOW IT WASN’T PETER GABRIEL because I’VE SEEN THE GODDAMN MOVIE WITH THE DIRECTOR’S COMMENTARY). SEE. FUCK YOU. So you can’t even say you don’t love Lloyd I’m sure you’ve heard about it and think it’s creepy when it really isn’t. 

Also, Lloyd doesn’t just feel Diane up the way Adam does to Caroline, but to be fair, he’s kinda doing it in a very innocent way, like he’s hesitant and kind of asking by his eyes if it’s okay and Caroline’s like totally into it, he’s not even doing it in a gropey kind of way. If anything, she’s more insistent than him. She kinda assumes they’re gonna bone and he’s not remotely there for that, so is all his other shit creepy in that regard? He’s got this look like, what the fuck is happening? She’s like, Imma make a man out of you, and then she pulls back when he cries, so I kinda wish incels would watch this damn movie and see it’s okay for men to fucking cry and have a woman like Caroline comfort them without feeling emasculated. On the other hand, I have a bad feeling they’d use it to justify their stalker, pining bullshit and think they were more sensitive than they are. (I actually do not remember seeing boobs before, I could’ve sworn she didn’t actually show them).

Anyway, she’s also super sensitive to his obvious Autistic traits of being uncomfortable around strangers, she’s very careful about bringing him out of his shell, so it’s nice to see so many people at his funeral in the end. She can’t even tell people in the beginning since Cindy gawps over it. (I also do a really good impression of Rosie Perez in this film but it’s stupid racist). She goes along with double date Cindy sets up, Cindy’s a pushy friend, they have this typical 90s gal pal relationship where they bicker over dumb shit but still love each other as family. Adam getting stabbed reveals how sick he is, which leads me to a realisation I made as an adult: That hockey game kinda killed him. Like, I know it’s not possible for Caroline to even know, I think all the excitement busts his heart. I didn’t think that as a kid. Either way, you can’t technically blame her as this is about bodily autonomy and the right not to be operated on, mans don’t want a new heart, you could even argue against Caroline agreeing to it while he was unconscious and unable to consent. So I think from this point on, they’re accepting this is finite and he could die basically whenever, even though he gets maybe a year, I don’t know. It’s still unexpected and sad when he does die. Also, he does little wood carvings you could sell on Etsy, that’d have been a nice modern twist.

Anyway, throw your anti-creep BS in the bin and just watch the movie, girl. You’ll see what I mean.

Ferris…

I idolised Ferris as a kid, the movie’s never been properly replicated, nobody would dare. But through an adult lens, he’s a giant ass. Cameron’s clearly neurodivergent but he needs someone to help him appreciate life more. Ferris is still an ass. I’m highly neurotic myself, I still wouldn’t steal a car, go on a joyride, crash it and still feel like my dad will be “okay” about it.

I think I loved the whole vibe of this film, I was usually watching it on a day off from school or when I had the house to myself. There’s a degree of almost magical realism to how he can’t be caught even in the most absurd circumstances, you feel he has that level of trickster god (someone said the same on YouTube) who can bend everyone to his will. Cameron’s the only one who “suffers” for the supposed greater good of growing some balls. But people don’t credit Hughes enough for tapping into the whole Gen X ennui of the time, I wasn’t a teen until the mid 90s however, but as an older millennial I was already affected by that same sense of directionless and pointlessness that could only lead to living day by day. It had to be absurdist or else it’d make no actual sense. Rooney assumes a kid on a day off will do kid shit. Ferris does high end, expensive shit supposedly with an infinite money glitch. You kinda root for Genie to catch him, Jennifer Gray understood the assignment, you can’t recast this film with a modern cast, get bent. But anyone who’s out to stop Ferris is thwarted, Parker Lewis Can’t Lose can’t exist without this movie. Hell, this was also Charlie Sheen’s most convincing role to date. Matthew Broderick should avoid ever doing any sequels, it was lightning in a bottle, everything else pales in comparison. 

The music was actually a huge thing for me, especially the “museum scene”. I didn’t know this was an instrumental version of a Smiths song Hughes also played in Pretty in Pink. I don’t think you can find it on iTunes, only the one with lyrics, but I found it somewhere on Acquisition (Mac’s answer to Napster/Limewire) back in the day. I was still using that up until 2005. Other stuff on the soundtrack I did find but I was obsessed with some of the score, stuff you can’t find, I still have the tape I recorded certain scenes onto, so when I could put that shit on my iPod, that was the best. If I’d been able to put the movie on my iPod back then, and I could’ve carried it around as a kid, I think I would’ve put up with a lot of shit.

Anyway, I don’t have much to say about this, nothing profound. Ferris isn’t even intelligent, but he sounds philosophical to a teenager so that’s enough. Adults will say he grew up a loser but you can’t lose that level of cool even when you grow up.

The Baz Luhrmann of it all…

I have fonder memories of Strictly Ballroom and Romeo + Juliet, which I only saw once in the cinema then went to rave about to my very confused grandfather.  I’m risking seeing it now with the sense of hatred for the frenetic slapstick camera bullshit he pulled in Moulin Rouge, which has led me to hate it despite being okay with it from when I did see it in the theatre. I couldn’t stomach it now, in very literal and figurative senses.

I can also see why every English teacher back in the 90s fucking despised this. All you had to say to one of them is, “And then Romeo takes drugs” and they’d lose their shit. I don’t know why I had to read parts out for this in English I kinda hated it, I couldn’t get away with being wrong in that class, ever. 

The opening duel scene is too comical to be dramatic but too over the top as well. It actually feels like it’s ripping off Pulp Fiction. The orchestral music and quick zooms kind of work one second then fail to the next. But both soundtracks were straight fire. Listening to shit from that period, the 90s was peak soundtrack time. The acting could be so much worse so far. It’s also pointless to follow along with the play it’s actually butchered, and this is badly ADRed as well. Leo does not recite this well, I also found out Romeo is pronounced “incorrectly” to compensate for iambic pentameter. Given this is not a farce, it’s kind of infuriating it’s being presented as such. It does have comedic moments but I thought they were subtle. Baz is anything but subtle. And the Benny Hill speed-ups are just obnoxious, it lends to this obscene impatience he has with setting up his stories. It’s also a weird edit to have Juliet distracted by fireworks then suddenly fully dressed on the balcony staring at them. Again, his pacing is insane. Mercutio isn’t donning a wig one minute then all of a sudden it’s on his head.

Leo sucks in this. I’m sorry. And fuck me, Mercutio is on some shit there is no need for this level of theatrics. I think it was also heavily catering to the rave culture of the mid 90s, it’s very club kid coded too. And it’s insinuating Romeo’s off his tits on pills. Also these movies were borrowing a lot of disco, so kids my age were copping it in a resurgence, and they forced us to learn proper dances to it. I don’t think they do it now but someone convinced schools to teach us the Nutbush or boot scooting to the worst song of the 90s. The radio was festooned with all this shit but it wasn’t bad necessarily. Claire Danes carries this, meanwhile Paul Rudd looks sofa king hot I’d pick him over Leo any damn day. He’s at least a gentleman. He’s being such a delightful dork as he was in Clueless.

And it doesn’t look too saturated but the camera work is still distracting. At least the nurse pronounces his name correctly. Now I have to resist not downloading the damn soundtracks.

Also wherefore art thou doesn’t mean where is he but why he is, why does he have to be an enemy. I think Baz was told to tone down his silly bullshit for the romance scenes at least. Moulin Rouge overdid everything on that front, I think he thinks he’s doing operatic when he’s doing something more offensive ending in ‘tic’. The score hits harder, it’s a well done scene. I thought I was into Shakespeare in Love but it might be atrocious now, I don’t know.

The “foreshadowing” is stupid, since we know how it ends but they pull a fakeout. Did Romeo have to literally fall over again? Is he supposed to be this fucking clumsy? Then everything turns into a music video of Venice Beach. Man, the ADR on the beach set is so bad.

Quindon Tarver got completely dumped after this I didn’t know he died in an accident and he was the same age as me, but I can’t hear him sing “Everybody’s Free” without thinking of “Not the Sunscreen Song”.

The editing of the fight with Tybalt and Mercutio is all over the damn place. And Mercutio isn’t some god who can summon actual plagues. And the fake storm looks hella bad. There’s a wide shot of Romeo running off with a car, like suddenly we need wide shots to compensate for all the frenetic closeups. And I get Benvolio is supposed to be kind of a dude bro but it’s too much. Never trust anyone who tries to update Shakespeare for the kids.

It doesn’t suck. I’ll give it that, it doesn’t absolutely suck. It has hacked the whole thing to absolute shreds, again, for the kids.

Talk Show Host by Radiohead is one of their best tracks. I think the costuming works, it’s not flamboyant compared to what Baz likes to do, it’s less lurid and that’s saying something. I did like the neon aesthetic it had going for it.

I’m sure that amount of candles would produce some crazy amount of heat. Also, the Friar had more than enough time to intercept on Romeo offing himself before he realised Juliet wasn’t dead. And I’m sure the girlies were screaming when Romeo doesn’t see her move. And she takes way too long to get his attention.

And it does have a certain attention to detail, it’s extravagant the way drag and pageantry is always in excess. I’m not going to watch Great Gatsby I’ve heard it’s terrible, this gave Baz way too much leeway for his other projects. It was fine, I didn’t actually hate it at all, I assumed there was way more Benny Hill buffoonery and Nicole Kidman sucks at that, I’m sorry, she’s not capable of being fun or funny. John Leguizamo has some fun moments but he and Mercutio really ham it up, but overall it works. The operatic nature fits, it’s not well shot and edited but Baz likes to overdo it and kind of stun you into not noticing.