Twin Peaks… Again

I’ve decided on a rewatch and I have some shit to add to my previous post but not a lot. I feel like this was such a phenomenal achievement for TV in the 90s. You give an indie director reins to a primetime drama with soap opera type characters and you get Twin Peaks. You get something wholly original out of a very thin genre. What ruins it is interference and a demand for closure. TV audiences wouldn’t accept a murder mystery without a killer. But if Lynch offered up a mundane answer to a bizarre plot, it would’ve backfired completely. I hate season 2 is a mess, but it doesn’t start off so badly. The chunk after Leland‘s taken out hasn’t got much substance, it’s tedious and pointless, everyone who loves it knows which parts to skip on a rewatch. If I leave it on, it’s purely for noise sake. But there are points in scenes with the characters you like which are tediously drawn out with pointless delay tactics. Pauses in speech slow everything down, it comes off as a ploy to mock the soap opera genre by then, it’s less amusing and more silly. Ben Horne recreating the Civil War comes to mind, however that did have a couple of funny moments. Everything with Lucy and Andy plus that guy from Quantum Leap is still awful. James’s side story… is boring but it’s not bad. Bobby and Shelly nursing Leo’s… okay… maybe kinda frustrating. We only care about Windom Earle and Coop’s showdown. Miss Twin Peaks has some rotten scenes, and yeah the mayor and his brother fighting over the redhead siren, that’s infuriating if anything. Agent Bryson’s introduction is wonderful, I like having her (and she transitions by the Return) show up and add needed levity without being too ridiculous. You can have all this nonsense go on to a degree but the show overindulges in it and it doesn’t make sense. People think Lynch’s brand of weird can cover silly, it can’t. I don’t know why his lack of involvement resulted in such a mess. According to one person, only six episodes were really lacking Lynch’s involvement, it feels like a huge chunk of season 2 is missing his vibe so to speak. I also keep forgetting about the shitty MT Wentz arc, god that was insufferable and we have to deal with Catherine in yellowface. But same time, if you’ve got nobody captaining the ship, whatever you come up with is better than nothing, right? I can’t see why any network would give a third season greenlight after this. Fire Walk With Me and the Missing Pieces don’t solve anything. But I think the ending of the Return works if you see it as Coop failing to bring Laura back. Her scream is existential, it’s like she’s realised she’s been erased from reality completely, she’s got no home to go back to, the owner denies it and doesn’t know of Sarah or Laura. I forgot she whispers in Coop’s ear in the Lodge, so you could say she is simply trapped and knows now who she is and the horrors she’s had to live through which will know no ending. I checked the last scene out I don’t remember anything else after the cut to black, I don’t know why that’s in the Wikipedia entry. No, it’s right there’s a faded image and I think the takeaway is she’s whispering that it was all for naught, and she’s stuck in the Lodge forever. That her fate was set when she died, but does this mean she stands between a darkness that will try to invade again? Bob’s defeated but he’s not the only inhabitant of the Lodge, it could still release another malevolent force. Coop’s disoriented by the time jumps, too, it dawns on him he doesn’t know where in the timeline he’s appeared with Laura and that he’s also stuck in this one forever and may never escape. I don’t think Lynch wanted us to have the ending we craved - Coop out of the Lodge for good and Laura genuinely at peace. By the end of FWWM, we can only think she’s been given an angel in Hell, that’s the best Coop can do for both of them. Someone asked the significance of the angels, Dr. Hayward read a note to Laura about an angel coming when she needs this, Laura talking about them all going away earlier in FWWM, only Dr Hayward’s cut out.

Coop trying to fix all the shit in Twin Peaks is actually kind of tragic. Even on a small level, he’s trying to fix Lucy and Andy, or Truman when he loses Josie, or Annie. He tries to save Twin Peaks for how enamoured he becomes of it. But he also understands he might not come out of the Lodge either. He has to find Laura but he leaves Diane knowing it may end badly. Or rather, she leaves him behind deciding she can’t go on with him, she can’t let go of what Mr C did.

How do I feel about him and Diane? I don’t know. It makes me sad in a way. I love it’s Laura Dern playing the part, I love she’s not some frumpy FBI secretary, she’s got some substance, she’s abrasive and brash, even if it’s not “her” it’s still her. But the significance of her and Coop being romantic is a tragedy. If he was supposed to have a life with her, it’s taken away. If she’s meant to find peace from Bob’s attack, she doesn’t really get it. I’d have to pay more attention this time around to everything with Diane. 

I think Tammy’s inclusion isn’t entirely a good call, I think she should’ve been played by a genuine actress, Chrystabell is a singer, (I assumed model) who’s worked with Lynch but I’m sure someone more appropriate could’ve played Tammy. She’s easily the weakest of the cast. Naomi Watts didn’t sell me as Janey-E until later. I think she understands her part from having worked with Lynch before. You can tell who’s familiar with him, I think the new cast absolutely loved working with him. It’s sad he can’t be so heavily involved with directing now his health’s taken a dive from smoking, I think if he’s not in the chair, and you tried to translate his direction from a distance, you’d have problems like with season 2. He’s too hands on. He lamented the network refusal to give him time for the Return to really live in the set and come up with new ideas. He doesn’t work well under pressure, man has to be allowed to cook, I think he has scripts but once he’s immersed in the directing itself, you know other ideas are coming in and inspiring him and that active imagination is a hindrance to the assembly line production used for TV and movies now. Getting it out into the public so it can make money and awards is the end goal for producers, directors either play along or now self-fund their own monstrosities to keep it from scissorhand types like Weinstein, who was notorious for that shit. Oversight kills creativity yet the least creative people in the process hold the most influence over getting shit done to their liking. Which raises the question, why did they entrust it to the director in the first place if they were going to rip it up and ruin it? Lynch needs this to be left in peace to really execute his vision and abide by his many muses and talents, he knows what he needs to see, his vision is very clear to him, if anyone can match his standard, they become a lifelong collaborator, you can see the dedication in those who work with him because they trust the vision and he trusts their involvement. I haven’t heard people complain about his onset behaviour once, in a Me Too era, some could construe him as hands on with his actors, but he’s more a father figure and a trusted friend, it’s why he doesn’t hit mainstream news, there’s no speculation and no intrigue with Lynch except in regards to the meaning of his works. I don’t care he’s infuriatingly vague and refuses to explain shit, learn to appreciate your own imagination instead of waiting for everyone to explain shit to you. I hate it so much when people I love are interviewed by mainstream people demanding an explanation and if they get something to surreal or nonsensical in response they just blink like idiots. Tori having to explain her Greek pantheon approach to an album was met with dazed and confused expressions. Nobody should be asking these artists to be interviewed by the masses.

I digress, I’m up to the part with Harold and this is where Blu-ray destroys a scene by showing too much, like the red paint on the gardening tool he cuts his face with. Oh, Sony, why must you ruin television? Also, we never had the Log Lady intros because I think they were cut from our broadcast. We also had a VHS movie pilot that wasn’t what went to air and needed to get a VHS from New Zealand to see the broadcast pilot. What my brother and I did for the sake of seeing Twin Peaks before it was released on DVD is exceptional. Me spending too much for imports of FWWM, him sending postage to people to get dubs, both of us on early internet forums speculating. The eventual release on Blu-ray was so fucking exciting and the presentation is beautiful, a lot of love went into this, and even on my shitty cheapo machine it looks good.

Oh, I also think they accidentally used an establishing shot of the Book House before cutting to the Road House in the pilot, I got confused thinking they just had a smaller model of the Road House. Little things like that you could fix if you were Lucas but fuck it, people want the broadcast version just prettier. Even if it shows the production warts, it’s actually a fascinating insight into how TV was made back then for so long, nobody anticipated people wanting to see this again much less in better quality. But in terms of production, Twin Peaks is also very simplistic. The Red Room seems minimalist but it’s still disturbing. There’s nothing overly horrific or beastly just menacing. Lynch and subtlety are more intrinsic than people realise, he understands dreams and atmosphere and that thin veil between waking and sleeping, to have the eye to be able to represent that to an audience is a very particular skill not all directors have. Seeing his vision on the Return was so exciting, when things flagged later on we all got a bit disappointed. But overall, you know it’s his voice coming through. It’s his vision, as much as I’m sure Showtime wanted to dictate the final product’s production. We hate producers in art land.

I have to confess, I don’t hate all the high school shit with Nadine and Mike, they’re funny if the rest is stupid and annoying. I don’t skip it as much as the other shit. I think I’ve also accidentally skipped a whole episode but this is still a distraction watch than it is a real rewatch. I have to say, everything looks beautiful on this restoration, direct rips are a mess.

Do I like the stuff with Josie and Eckhart? Bits of it. Josie’s such an amazing character playing the ingenue and fooling people she’s fragile and culturally ignorant when she’s cunning and anything but a fool. This is a good soapy kind of storyline of double crossing and intrigue. But Josie’s tragic and very much in love with Truman, she just can’t be with him. Catherine’s revenge is also unfair and mean-spirited, I don’t love Catherine, I hate you kinda root for her after she reveals she’s been an Asian man.

Bobby and Shelly mocking Leo and basically cucking him on the kitchen table is fun. It’s why Bobby sucks and I hate Bobby acts like a buffoon. Shelly deserves better, it’s not Agent Cole but Lynch is great at wooing women by worshiping their very presence. When he sees beautiful things he just lights up and becomes so enamoured with the world, that’s at the core of his passion for the world around him. He would create for no other reason than to do it, nobody should make money their reason for creating, you create for the love of it first. His muses hold him hostage but he follows their orders like the rest of us do with ours. It’s a shitty thing but we do toil where she commands.

I think the most tragic couple is Harry and Josie, more than Bobby and Shelly. They really smoulder the way you want a soap couple to captivate an audience. I think the casting and chemistry with the romantic pairings is so well done. Bobby and Shelly have a Bonnie and Clyde vibe that goes off the rails, meanwhile Josie and Harry have a harrowing bond that ultimately destroys Harry, she’s his one weakness. Cathrine and Pete are ridiculous, more so when Catherine’s pretending to be Asian. I’m sure they could’ve come up with a better disguise. They also kind of exploit severe mental illnesses with Gerard, but hey, 90s. This show suffers from the 90s. But Gerard turning into Mike is pretty fucking cool. If people were invested in discovering who Bob is by this point Mike should have enthralled people. Season 2 is fine without the lull after finding out about Bob, it’s not that bad until it is. I think we exaggerate how messy it all is. (Plus I assumed the season break is after Maddy is killed and before she’s discovered, it’s not, it’s after the fire at the mill. We didn’t have as much access to the deets back then).

Anyway, I’m waffling about this in an attempt to keep distracted from my life in general. Which is why this show is a comfort show for me.

Ugh Gwen made me come back. Siblings are well cast in this show, Ben and Jerry are great. Gwen and Lucy are perfect but of course Gwen’s insufferable and she’s making my fast forward finger twitch already. The bait and switch with Ben being arrested ties in with Catherine’s leverage over him. These episodes are a lot of fun in terms of how the reveal unfolds. I don’t know if this was shocking or annoying for audiences before the final cliffhanger. And I don’t even know if Cooper/Bob was deliberate from Lynch’s perspective, but the Missing Pieces offers so little else. If Lynch wanted to finish the story, the network didn’t. But it set in motion a weird 25 year hiatus of speculation and suppositions and maybe a false start or two. We thought maybe FWWM would get its own sequel. I think it was fun to imagine what might happen and play guessing games, until we got that weird website that hinted at something big.

UUUUGH why do I always forget Ernie and Norma’s mother. Aside from Momma being MT Wentz, I still hate this storyline, and why would someone that refined date Ernie. Him and Hank getting screwed later by Denise is entertaining. I don’t hate Norma’s storylines, this one’s particularly sad but it’s annoying to sit through. They needed to do something with her while Ed’s stuck with teen Nadine. And she’s putting up with Hank. I think it is actually well played in a Days of Our Lives kind of way where you have the two older love interests stuck with their unwanted partners and kept apart in the process so there’s a constant tension from it. It gives Marlena and John vibes. (and I also forgot Marlena was fucking possessed by a demon at one point. Fuck that show was actual bonkers. Like Lynch level bonkers. So Twin Peaks wasn’t really that farfetched. It was Days on Crack, Days had the most ridiculous pre-Passioned premises on TV).

And I forgot Mike disappears from his room. I can’t remember how they get him back. Pete has fun fucking with Ben and being in cahoots with Catherine but she’s clearly using him as well. Pete deserved better. And Coop has the best lines, some random thing about mandatory driver’s ed becomes a segue into nearly hitting Leland/Bob in his car. He drops false info on Ben and dangles Maddy in Coop’s face before brandishing a golf club near Coop’s head. There are nearby witnesses, Bob’s just sloppy with Leland, so when he has Coop, he’s more calculated, which raises a question as to whether Bob’s hosts influence him in some way. These are crazy episodes and things are getting hectic and Coop’s driving Truman nuts. But I was always appreciated Coop’s measured responses to criticism and error. I think we love Cooper for all his fallibilities rather than his perfection. In the middle of this Ernie and Hank are woven into the story pretty well for seeming like randoms at this point. I did like Hank had bigger hidden ties to Josie and Ben, in terms of character relations in a show these were well put together. I don’t know if the other writers added the realistic aspects around what was largely mystical realism.

I didn’t hate Coop and Audrey’s relationship is a bad one. Again, 90s had a lot of questionable age gap relationships, it was casually thrown in since Audrey’s almost eighteen and they did have natural chemistry only allegedly Lara Flynn Boyle’s relationship with Kyle MacLachlan got in the way of that.

Margret’s intros are great she even makes a nod to “wasn’t it fun guessing who did it rather than knowing? The TV people took your fun away”. The notion we weren’t meant to have a killer only works in a Lynchian world. Maddy’s body throws them off the trail, it really did turn into a good murder mystery but it set up this idea the show was amazing until Bob’s reveal, when all the annoying shit we got after was still set up well before. I always thought that happened right after. So I honestly don’t think Lynch was missing for that long during season 2. And he did only personally direct a handful of episodes. We have a lot of Dutch angles. Albert finally gives Coop permission to use his Coop powers, something Albert doubted a lot. But Coop’s flailing. Nobody could pull of that boy scout timidness the way Kyle did. You can’t remake this show, you can’t recast it. (I don’t hate Moira Kelly, I think she’s a good substitute but she’s not Donna). 

Also the whole Chalfont/Tremond thing is confusing as fuck. But it’s led to some theories regarding the end of the Return and that Mrs Chalfont/Tremond is trying to hinder Cooper and Laura’s escape. The same person posited Judy is Sarah, now I’m wondering if Judy was worse than Bob and is the one who inhabits Sarah, ultimately finding a host on earth. This is the fun shit fans get to play with because we don’t have firm answers.

There’s kind of a crazy moment with Donna and Laura, that gets overlooked. Laura yells at Donna for wearing her stuff, albeit it’s a jacket tied around her middle. She technically should know not to do it but she wears Laura’s glasses and puts her in Bob’s sight momentarily, she’s very close to being killed, I can imagine how harrowing this was originally. (Dude, I wish I could forget and rewatch this show from scratch I missed a lot when I was a kid. I really don’t have a firm memory of a lot of this from back then. I sincerely haven’t seen this through that many times.) But now Donna’s nearly ensnared and I wish I could remember if I was freaking out at this point. I don’t even remember how it felt to see this happen originally. I got to binge it on VHS. But this scene is creepy as fuck, you can imagine normies being so confused Donna doesn’t “see” Bob. But Maddy and Sarah have psychic powers. They “see” Bob where others don’t. Donna and Teresa don’t ever see him, they only suspect Leland is wrong in some way. It’s sad how Donna finds out about Maddy too, and James having a big hissy fit over it an bailing is just too much. But to be fair, the actor’s kinda gotten better at this point. I don’t hate James. He’s better in the movie, but he kinda floats around in the Return and we’re meant to assume he and Shelly have taken a liking to one another.

The deduction scene includes a lot of characters, we line up the suspects and we still throw the audience of the scent. I think I was shocked by this scene. Bob’s still afraid of guns since Hawk’s got him in the crosshairs. Ray Wise is amazing in this scene, he’s fucking nuts. Someone asked him if it was hard as a father of a daughter to do this role. But he fucking nailed Bob’s essence. I like Hawk’s kinda spooked by him now too, but I wish Hawk’s instincts had kicked in a lot sooner. That’s terribly racist from the “mystical native/negro” standpoint Stephen King loves to play with which is gross.

Poor Lucy just wants someone to man up and be a dad, then Dick sets off the fire alarms. Dick vs Andy gets too much set up and too much screen time after Bob's reveal but what the fuck else do you do with them, really?

But I also found a hole in the narrative. Laura gets two calls before she dies, one was from James but it implies Leland called her prior to that. I can’t remember if that’s how it went in the movie. I have the damn script I should read it again. We only see/hear James calling, I think Sarah says Leland’s called from the Great Northern (so from Ben’s phone supposedly) to prepare for the Norwegians but this was cut. I’ll have to watch the Missing Pieces again. Cooper’s compassion for Sarah is so profound and sincere. It makes sense she descends into darkness so severely but the whole town is poisoned by the darkness of the Black Lodge, it’s seeped into the core of the town but people become desensitised.

I'm kind of behind the idea of Audrey and Bobby. She's kinda let go of Coop, not completely but enough, and Bobby's kinda sick of Shelly. But because I was team Shelby (How sick is that ship name?) I despised Bobby for hitting on Audrey at the time. But I had a soft spot for Cole and Shelly. Cole's a womaniser, you're supposed to see him that way, his thing with the French girl in the Return is deliberate. But Lynch somehow makes Cole's affection for Shelly boyish and innocent and he hardly minds she flaunts this in front of Bobby and makes her look special so Bobby gets jealous. He had it coming. But Bobby growing up and being lawful good in the end makes their breakup sadder. And sadder still for who Shelly associates with has his replacement, and she's oblivious to the damage that guy has done to her daughter. Shelly kinda sucks in the end, I resent her character but I do like Bobby. I like Leo doesn't suddenly reappear too. I like he ends up where he does.

The show's not a total mess. It's not bad it's just not that good, either.

And while we're at it, Justice for Audrey. I don't know why she gets done so dirty in the Return. Lynch perhaps not being onboard with bringing her back or not knowing what to do with her. As it transpires, there was a personal issue from Fenn feeling abandoned during season 2, I had no idea she may have had a relationship with Lynch at that time, then when she came back, she should’ve been beaten by Richard but her mother takes the brunt, entirely independently of Ben, who’s not even speaking to her and Johnny and may be having an affair with Ashley Judd’s weird character I don’t know how to feel about. So Audrey and Charlie arguing is a meta-narative for their real life falling out of sorts. It made her character entirely isolated since she seemed to want more and he was threatening to “write her out” via Charlie. I got that she was in “Ghostwood” I don’t know why Billy in the Return is so grotesque or why we have to care about him and we only get backstory from the ancillary characters in the Roadhouse (he’s also meta-naratively related to Billy Zane’s character, allegedly). I can’t even look at Billy, I’m seriously sickened by him and he seems so needlessly disgusting, and he’s there to piss off that bad corrupt cop in the jail. I don’t know. I don’t feel like Fenn deserved to be written that way. It’s sad Cooper Bob rapes her and Diane but it fits Bob’s character. I still think he’s “smarter” than when he was with Leland, Bob’s found a way to absorb Cooper’s innate intelligence, he seems less crazy and now more driven and stoic. I do like he’s played with a quiet menace than with that crazy animal persona Leland developed, which worked for that version of Bob. Cooper’s Bob is his own creature who won’t admit to ever needing anything, it’s beneath him to need. He’s also aware that if he behaves in an animalistic way, he’ll reveal who he is, and he needs others to still believe he’s Cooper, but he still feels like a nasty parody of Cooper, the sinisterness is there, and people weirdly fall for it. Diane realising she’s been tricked ruins her, you imagine she was kinder before she was hurt by Bob. I do need to pick apart the return but I don’t want to live on the Reddit and read too much. I don’t even know why I’m writing this all down, I turn it off at night and wait until mid-morning to go back to it.

I just realised James takes off because nothing he does matters and people will die anyway, so it’s fitting nothing he does outside of Twin Peaks matters to the actual plot lines of the story back in Twin Peaks. His stuff is filler and generic, I don’t know if maybe he met someone who reminded him of Laura but she wasn’t good either and he had to concede Donna’s the better option. That’s just as boring. He gets involved with Evelyn because he’s a sucker for broken women. Do we care? Not enough to watch those scenes. But they don’t suck. The Little Nicki shit sucks. The Miss Twin Peaks/Milford Bros crap sucks. In terms of weird Bro combos on this show, the Mitchum Bros were the best, they had the right amount of comedy and weren’t rivals much like Ben and Jerry. The Milford Bros are fucking insufferable and the Redhead makes it worse. There are dozens of cringe moments in Nadine’s arc but it’s still kinda funny. It’s not terrible, just silly. Truman’s caring for Josie now she’s run back home. I actually looked up where the Twin Peaks tour ran out of in relation to Seattle and it’s very close, I don’t think you need to fly there. I don’t know if Twin Peaks is supposed to be much further north. One Eyed Jacks is a small boat ride from the Great Northern, so I feel like we’re right near the boarder, not roughly two hours away. Portland and Seattle are two hours apart via Tacoma. These distances are relative to me going back to my home town two hours south of here.

Little Nicki deserves to die. I don’t know who thought up this fucking shit, again, Lynch signed off on this but I don’t think they had choices to redirect or fix shit. The tone is mostly the same production wise. But if you want to get to the stuff that matters there is no consequence to you skipping all of this crap. Ernie and Hank matter in relation to Cooper, but Ernie in relation to Norma and her mother don’t, so you could skip that specific shit. I don’t know if the network came in and said tone the supernatural shit down. Things feel more intrinsic and necessary in the Return, not all of it’s good but it feels purposeful and not as meandering as what happens with season 2. Ben’s mental spiral is kind of entertaining but you’re also sick of the Ghostwood/Catherine shit until Eckhart’s back and Andrew’s found to be alive in classic soap opera fashion. This is the stuff you have to remember when people ask if it’s worth it to get into Twin Peaks. Don’t watch FWWM first. Pay more attention to the Laura/Cooper/Lodge shit. Ignore the Milford crap, the Miss Twin Peaks shit only matters in relation to Shelly, Audrey, Donna and Windom. Annie’s a good character, she’s a bit bland but she and Cooper have some nice moments. It does feel like they forced them to give Cooper a proper romance since he and Audrey weren’t going to happen. And Leo’s kind of stuck with Windom so you can’t skip that shit. James doesn’t matter in season 2. These are sort of universally accepted within the fandom. It’s like you’re sparing potential audiences from boredom. Earle’s been said to be an incoherent villain, I didn’t realise people need their villains to be singularly motivated, if you’re not clear with intentions, people get irritated. And he is goofy compared to Bob but I think he’s supposed to suffer for hubris as he’s not powerful enough to wield whatever power the Lodge possesses. His obsession with it gets tied to Coop but that doesn’t make sense. Him needing a “queen” is a bit silly. They tried to tie in exisiting characters into important arc, but once it’s clear the other queens don’t matter compared to Annie, they’re all off in their own storylines. If you keep in mind this is all soap operatic nonsense it doesn’t seem so stupid. You had a director that was possibly invested in another project and had to disappear, we’re all a bit fairer as to how this was handled than we used to be, I guess.

Back to the Log Lady intros, I had to learn about it secondhand, I think my brother tried to get copies, I know the VHS set he had didn’t include them, I can’t remember if they were on the DVDs but the Blu-ray version’s the definitive one, even having an option to skip them is a nice touch. But Lynch is also allergic to chapter selection and there’s no memory function on them so you turn off the player, you’re stuck trying to find where you got up to. It’s fucking annoying.

Okay, I’m sick of the Nicki shit already I’m doing a spin. And the Milford shit was right after so I kept going right into the Nadine shit. If that gets annoying I’ll skip that too. I don’t know, I can’t hate teen Nadine. Dick has apologists in the Reddit section, which is nice. Like I said, I think we’ve all kinda learned to forgive and forget the mess season 2 came off as.

Ugggh I’m tempted to skip this James shit too. It’s not insufferable but it’s still kinda dull. It’s James’s fault he gets embroiled in this mess, he could leave at any moment, he bailed on Donna that easily what’s he getting out of boning Evelyn? And he even asks her why she doesn’t leave. And the brother not being her real brother is kinda gross. UuUUUUghghHH can I do this? Never mind that bit’s over.

Bobby and Audrey flirting is a lot of fun to see, I like Bobby blackmailing Ben and kinda teaming up with her, even though I hated Audrey for making passes and Bobby sneaking on Shelly for it. I get Shelly’s stuck with Leo (I can’t remember if he’s disappeared again or not, I lost track of Shelly to be honest.

Josie suffering under Catherine’s thumb bothers Pete, people forget how lovely their relationship was and how caring they were with each other. Pete has to put up with Catherine meanwhile he’s getting screwed. I don’t like where he ends up with Andrew, that whole thing was generally silly but again, soapy. Keep everything in that lens when you watch this, think about the soaps you know that you’re supposed to take “seriously” and realise the camp level is higher than Peaks in some episodes. Plus Lynch has a filmmaker’s eye, he’s not shooting on soundstages with bland camera work.

God, I love Audrey meeting Denise. And she’s so tiny! Denise is in heels, I don’t think Duchovny is that tall, he looks shorter in a suit with flat soles.

Luckily some of the Dick, Andy and Lucy show feeds directly into the Milford Merry Widow show I’m killing two birds with one FF button.

Bobby’s kind of inconsistent too, we get swagger Bobby dealing with Ben and Audrey but when he’s with his parents his moments are more touching. I thought I hated Major Briggs’s dream scene but it’s actually pretty touching. Bobby’s changed very little by the Return, he’s stopped being a rebel but he’s still sentimental. James being the quiet bad boy on the bike kinda makes him less dichotomous to Bobby but Bobby hates bikers and he’s more of a fifties greaser punk who doesn’t obsess over cars. I think his aesthetic lends to the 50s style high school scenes, you’ll notice everyone’s outfits are dated for the 90s but somehow still work. The girls have longer skirts, the guys are in jeans and letterman jackets, the music’s also borrowing from that twangy guitar theme you get around the diner. I like the frozen in time aspect that lends to the facade of wholesomeness.

I think Coop’s patience with people is the best thing about him. The way Lucy feels bad she can’t find any chess moves and Coop’s just so kind about it. Everyone wants to help him but he’s never short with them.

Oh yeah, Shelly’s sill stuck with Leo. Bobby and Shelly are just a married couple babysitting Leo. Bobby’s a total dick to Shelly, I’d have slapped him too. But I feel like Leo could’ve been put in a home by then. I can’t remember when he “wakes up”.

James tells Evelyn about Laura and Maddy and we get the theme to tie it back to Laura, since we still have to pull it all back to her somehow. Cooper might get the blame for the chaos but Laura’s death is the catalytic agent.

I got tired so I’ll rattle off points. James sucks and he never deserved Donna coming to his rescue. I don’t care what he did, he barely saved her from Harold anyway. He hit on Evelyn and stayed too long. He’s just annoying and superfluous at this point, and in someways, Donna is too at this point. She’s not a bad character she’s just floating around tethered to James until he actually goes away. Then she’s saddled with the Ben/Eileen business which ultimately doesn’t amount to anything in the Return. Considering the cliffhanger implies Dr Hayward kills Ben, him not having a dent on him 25 years later seems… odd. I don’t know if Lynch really didn’t care given Lara was essentially missing since FWWM and had no interest in returning, literally I can’t think of anything you could do with her. It makes more sense Alicia Witt comes back as Gersten even if she’s barely recognisable, she has the most potential of the Hayward girls and has further to fall, so it’s fine Donna’s gone, she’s lost her bestie, boyfriend and her dad’s not her dad, Twin Peaks isn’t exactly the best place for her either. I can’t remember if James mentions her in the Return or not.

Josie’s “fear” luring Bob is more a means of reminding the audience he’s still part of the story. It’s not really explored in any depth which is a shame, I think seeing her in the Lodge would’ve been cool, she’s not a bad guy, she’s stuck in a power struggle as suggested, she does everything to survive her situation and she loved Harry and wanted to protect him. I think Harry and Josie are my favourite couple on the show so it’s a bummer it goes south so badly.

I also noticed the “forgiveness” factor with characters seems to be really off. I feel like Audrey shouldn’t have forgiven Ben at all but she could’ve been conniving and taken over the hotel while Ben was mentally incapacitated. I think they wanted her to be good despite her being kinda bad at the start. She also plays seductress only to admit to being a virgin at the end, that’s become a trope as well. But I feel like she should’ve hated Ben more. That and her and Donna basically being half sisters, that’s classic soap drama that’s completely glossed over. Meanwhile, Leo being scared for Shelly becoming Miss Twin Peaks feels off. He’s basically wanted to kill her himself, she has betrayed him, why wouldn’t he let Windom threaten her instead? He could be an accomplice, he’s never cared about anyone but the roadie getting killed freaks him out. I guess he’s as likely to be killed so he has to survive by taking shocks and obeying Windom, but Leo’s always been a callous asshole why would he care Shelly’s in danger now? That’s kinda odd.

Annie and Cooper are adorkable but the slow pull from their conversation conveys a sense of doom. I think the symbolism’s creeping back in. Annie’s very wooden but they really come off as a neurodivergent couple. I can see why Heather Graham was picked, she’s classically beautiful and has big eyes, she’s charming. Cooper missing all the signs when she decides to run for queen is kind of annoying.

I also saw there was a script that had Catherine showing up a the bank before the explosion. She has a loose ending after Andrew takes the key, according to the books, she sells the mill to Ben and disappears. I wish I had the patience to sit with the dossiers and go over them while I finish the last two episodes. They’re bulky and I would be bouncing all over the place. I also forgot Lynch wanted to back out of season 3, people reportedly pulled out based on that. A few actors passed before the show aired or not long after filming, Margret more or less saying goodbye on the show.

The last two episodes are kind of infuriating in points. Silly shit goes on in the background while pointless exposition regarding the contest. Coop also refers to Annie as childlike, I wanted to say the same thing, people have a huge issue with sexualising and infantilising the same character, again 90s. I don’t know about Cooper and Annies chemistry, it’s kinda off too. Nadine and Ed (I keep calling him Hank) finally breaking up so she can be with Mike the scene’s hilarious in its awkwardness. I was legitimately bummed about Nadine getting her memory back but you can tell she’s still “there” when Ed says he wants to marry Norma. That storyline deserved a terrible ending. As I’ve said, Bobby and Shelly seem to be the only two who “survive” the fallout of season 2. I don’t know if Briggs saying “Judy Gardland” is a joke and a reference to Judy, bearing in mind “Judy’s” not a thing until FWWM.

Donna’s also in a classic 90s number similar to the one Brenda and Kelly fought over, theirs having a white décolletage while Donna’s is red. Lucy’s cute little dance is fun. The realisation the queen’s in danger adds tension to the frivolity of the contest. Lana’s Salome bullshit is tiresome, you’re so over her by now because she’s hogged so much screen time over this winning the contest/garnering approval of all the men in town. You can excuse her presence as a parody of the fiery seductress on all soap operas but she sucks.

Cooper should’ve rushed the stage when Annie’s announced. Lana fuming she didn’t win, Nadine’s bummed but the other girls are happy for her. Then we get an “epilepsy warning should’ve been given” moment. Most of the last episode has this issue, it goes on for ages, it’s even annoying me. I forgot Lucy and Andy’s ending is happy, I think them having a sad ending would’ve upset people more. Putting all the pieces together takes more time. Shoehorning Ronnette seems kinda mean, it’s interesting Phoebe Augustine plays an entirely different role in the Return, I don’t know if cast got to determine much about their contribution, Sherilyn Fenn got stung for complaining. And where does Ronnette fit in after 25 years? She could’ve been another tragic victim 25 years later but what do you do with her. 

Seeing this on Blu-ray picks up more than standard definition. Everything’s richer and visible, proper restorations are important in cinema, I didn’t value them until recently.

I also felt for Mike being forgotten by Nadine, but this is the best moment in terms of soap parodies, the amnesiac snaps out of it now everyone’s screwed and the couple we’re rooting for has to break up. The camera work’s also more Lynchian, more depth, less flat shots. The score’s more orchestral, Badalamenti is more prominent, his music is integral to the show, you can’t have a Lynch production without his signature music. How he wrote Laura’s theme, every chord progression is deliberate, every note came from the soul, people who can’t be inspired like that, you feel sad for them they don’t know that feeling of nailing a concept. I loved “Falling” as a kid before I saw the show, I had a particular obsession that caused me to buy another CD full of adult contemporary commercial music (which wasn’t that bad, it had the theme from the Piano which is wonderful, I’d listen to it late at night) but I had to have Falling, it wound up on a lot of compilation CDs. I have the main soundtracks which are harder to listen to if you’re in a mood, Julee Cruise’s music is special, the other songs outside Falling gut punch you much harder.

I wasn’t focusing on the final scenes and I’m kinda washing my brain with BTS stuff I don’t remember watching. The level of commercialism on current BTS footage, it’s all assembled very specifically to “sell” the thing you’ve already fucking bought. Good BTS shows you tense moments and issues, things that stymied production, problems that were overcome with ingenuity. You want the warts because they’re as fascinating as the beauty marks, we don’t want interviews of people being sycophants about the director and how perfect the script is, we don’t want the studio mandated responses to the formulated questions. Tell me about the arduousness, the struggle of creating something. People need to see their artists as human beings who are capable of failure.

The pilot needed an ending according to the network. I think the demand for that cultivated the weirdest response from Lynch. It’s like you challenge him, everything with the dream sequence is experimental and it had blowback. The show could’ve been a film in the way Mulholland Drive is a pilot for a show we won’t see. Pilots are often disjointed from the rest of the show, you have to explain why a character’s actor might have changed, or the storyline in the pilot wasn’t brought up again, why people look a little older or different when the timeline’s shorter. It’s virtually impossible to make a second episode that has continuity with a pilot. Shows get picked up on concept now, you have to convince Netflix to give you x amount of episodes out of the gate. You also had to come up with cliffhangers and they needed to be intense or you’d get nothing after it. But networks don’t care if you don’t get an ending, they’ll kill a show if it’s costly and you’ll go without. I don’t love the people who pushed for Serenity, I don’t hate Serenity, I just hate them being rewarded in that way. I think Peaks fans are a better breed of people. Maybe not Queen Elizabeth but the rest of us are okay.

People kinda knew after Laura’s murder’s been solved, there’s no foundation. But they knew Earle was a bit too bizarre even for Twin Peaks. They should have stuck with who was there. I like everyone’s just admitting second season sucked. These days, you’d force a cast to make up shit to say stuff was great when it wasn’t. TV’s a different beast to film. Throw a network in who demands shit, and this is where Netflix used to be hands off and trusting in their creators. Now they’ve made money, the money people have come in making demands and that’s how you get too many fucking seasons of Stranger Things. Streaming’s been turned into network TV in more ways than one.

I made it to the Return after getting waylaid a lot with the final episodes and FWWM, and the Missing Pieces, which I tried to follow with the shooting script. The way the opening credits of the Return mulekick you in the solar plexus is comparable to how Marvel and Sonic fans feel seeing their favourite characters, only with Peaks, it’s emotional. The anticipation around this was scarily high. It really was 25 years we were made to wait, (in my case obviously a lot less but it felt like that to me). It also came out the same year I had a deluge of other emotional issues piling up so I got very elevated and it was rough. The first episodes are fucking enthralling, after seeing trailers and how rich and amazing everything looked the cinematic feel of the opening episodes really made you feel Lynch was “back”. Him directing any kind of network show would’ve been too hard, Showtime giving him a limited series seemed like the best option but I’m sure he was still creatively hamstrung at points. Plus it was ripe for speculation as you try to thread all this new information into the old to find that elusive cohesion your mind needs. The cutie girl from the Nanny’s also all grown up, she’s had another racy part with Duchvony in Californication, she’s very attractive. And she understands the assignment, I’m sure being part of a Lynch production would be exciting for people who’ve been in mainstream stuff. Just the fact the man’s not been MeeTooed and lambasted, how he’s humbled by the people he works with, he’s just a neat guy, very loveable.

Having a new location is also exciting. Ashley Judd is okay in this, she’s a bit dry but is closer to Ben’s age, comparatively to Laura. Ben and Jerry are much older, I think Ben’s done his best to repair his image but Jerry’s now a late stage hippy into edibles. 

Lucy doesn’t understand cell phones.

A lot of Mr C’s stuff is very Lost Highway, this was such a fucking treat for fans to see this level in a show rather than a movie. He’s collaborated with a lot of different musicians so it’s good they’ve been involved. Mr C’s aware time’s running out. I like his costuming too, how they’ve gone with black denim and leather like Coop’s suit but the long dirty hair is all Bob. People who understand him have helped him but they largely underestimate how malevolent he actually is. They’re expecting rewards for their involvement but they’re very naive about the whole thing. 

Sam and Tracy getting ripped to literal shreds is where shit gets real, and I like it happens quickly, it hooks you in from that point. You want to know what happens to Cooper and it’s a rollercoaster once Dougie’s been taken over. I don’t know why Sam and Tracy fucking causes the bad stuff to happen other than it’s attracted to sinful stuff but really their fear entices it to kill. Lynch doesn’t make horror movies but they’re fucking scarier than Blumhouse’s bullshit.

I like Mr C’s also infiltrated a lot of lives and brought a lot of new characters in. He knows how to exploit basic human greed, it entertains him as much as it fulfils his desires. I like he stamps down on any suggestion he’s remotely human. To need is human, to want is BOB. Ray and Daria are absolute babes in the woods with Mr C. Maybe Mr C suspects this but you don’t make a fool of him.

Cooper’s imprisonment in the Black Lodge hasn’t made him fearful, he’s been stuck in a state of mild confusion this whole time. Seeing him and Laura there is crazy after all this time. We can’t trust it’s her, however. The notion she can be “returned” is preposterous but possible. She holds the light but I still think her role is to stop the darkness seeping out of the Lodge. She whispers in Coop’s ear yet again and he seems more disturbed than the last time, time being more abstract here obviously. Her being ripped out screaming in pain suggestions she has to suffer for Cooper to leave. Watching this right after the Missing Pieces is really special, there are a lot of things in those moments that will make sense in the Return, so to speak. Not having the Little Man in person we get a nerve tree with a talking node. Bob’s gotta go back before Coop can leave, Mr C’s got that covered but he needs to make sure all the corresponding pieces are in place to facilitate this. I think he’s kinda poking and prodding people for possible vessel replacements too, I’m not sure, but he’ll kill people before he considers them a new car.

I do love Jennifer Jason Lee and Tim Roth in this, it feels like a Tarantino nod. Jennifer’s character gets Mr C better than Daria. Jeffries is still part of the story, if he’s trying to stop Mr C it makes Daria and Ray good guys in a way. Also, a lot of women get punched in the face by Bob. He’s bemused by people plotting against him. I honestly love we never see Mr C go feral like BOB, it’s like he knows he’ll be more obvious if he becomes animalistic or maniacal. He’s menacing in a stoic way.

Leland tells Cooper to find Laura, I think her being ripped out of the Lodge tears the fabric between the worlds. It’s also worth noting we’ve not really gone back to Twin Peaks that much. Outside of Ben and Jacoby, we’ve not seen a lot of the town yet. I love they’ve been able to do new things with the Waiting Room than before. The floor splitting and Cooper falling into the void is very cool. And Cooper’s return coincides with Tracy and Sam getting mutilated.

Sarah’s been having a bad time, it’s kinda crap nobody is around for her but you could assume she’s driven people away and now spends all day watching gruesome nature documentaries. James is friends with the Limey guy with the green glove. Shelly defending James is so weird, they really don’t interact at all, it was like a reminder to the audience James was always a good character and the unnecessary hate he got out of season 2 really isn’t the fault of the character, just bad writing.

Dougie’s been replaced by Cooper, some reason I assumed all this would happen later. Dougie’s also left the ring behind for it to be returned to what we assume is its rightful place. I don’t know. I only remember the frustration of Dougie-Coop when we were waiting for Cooper to finally come out. But I like Gerard still has to guide him, and when you know what happens it’s more entertaining the next time around. It’s kinda cute and endearing. We love Dougie. Some reason I thought pre-Coop Dougie was a mute but he’s just a dopey bum cheating on his wife and getting in trouble. I don’t know if it’s because this Tulpa is so stupid you can make him do whatever and he’s just a big baby man who likes fucking prostitutes in unsold, empty tract homes. Dougie-Coop is also infuriating to watch when you’re beyond desperate for Coop to wake up. You really need to be patient, then again, it might’ve been deliberate on Lynch’s part to really fuck with us until the absolute end. I mean, he shouldn’t be gambling in this state. Someone please come get Dougie. Actually, I’d love to get drunk one day, go to a casino and yell “Helllllooooooo” every time I played the slots then see how long it takes to get kicked out.

I like we get dropped in with the FBI crew without much fan fair. They’ve been good about not using musical stings or overtures to arouse nostalgia when OG characters come on. It didn’t tug on heart strings everything was played straight. Even in FWWM the “stings” are very faint. Using the main theme once we’re in Twin Peaks then doesn’t feel as manipulative. Working with the same composer you can tell the music was used with care. 

I love the Eat Now guy from Parker Lewis walks up to Dougie eating food. Janey-E and Sonny Jim are basically a parody of a wife and kid, I don’t know if she needed to be related to Diane in the grand scheme of things. But I wouldn’t take Naomi Watts out for anything, she’s fabulous in this, there’s an adorable video of her refusing to slap David even though he tells her to. It’s a testament to how well he builds trust with his actors. Lynch is our goofy dad on the internet now.

Duchovny’s wonderful I’m so glad he came back and they didn’t recast, we all understand the reasoning, it really wasn’t handled as offensively back then as it could’ve been, it makes sense, I don’t even see how you could explain Denise being played by anyone else. I think it’s been wise to leave out characters whose actors couldn’t or wouldn’t return rather than recast.

Lucy still doesn’t understand cell phones. And Andy’s hair’s goofier than before. There’s no way you could recast those two.

The pull in on Bobby’s fine, I don’t know how I feel about him crying at the sight of Laura’s picture. But the music and the moment feels earned by this point, they’ve done well not to overuse it, it feels genuine now Cooper’s been found. I don’t know how Bobby got past the checks to be deputised given he shot a man but maybe it’s not the same as being a cop, or it never came out. Or he got off on the charges since the guy was related to the Deer Meadow drug trafficking bullshit. (It took me about twenty views of FWWM to realise it was the dickhead Desmond yanks by the nose).

Michael Cera is… in the show. That’s it. He’s in the show. With a lisp as part of his weird Brando affectation. I think he got to do whatever. I don’t know. I still don’t know what to make of it. Lucy and Andy had a kid, we don’t need to see them necessarily but he’s there. Played by Michael Cera. Because… reasons. I should be grateful Dick doesn’t do a cameo.

I get it now. We as an audience haven’t “earned” Cooper, we have to wait for him to show up. It’s too easy to just put him back there. But I don’t see how Mr C can’t see how Cole and Albert would believe him. He’s using Cooper’s body like a puppet he thinks he can mimic Cooper’s mannerisms and not evade detection.

Tammy’s pretty bad. I don’t get why she got the part outside of having links to Cole, and he’s pulled up by Denise for having a hot little 30 something in his reach. Albert authorised Jeffries to deliver info to Cooper regarding a man in Colombia who was subsequently killed. It’s sad to see Albert this contrite to Cole. I’m not sure why this parking lot’s been done in day for night. It’s very weird.

I like how Diane’s introduced but I have this weird amnesia when I assume certain events in shows happen later than they actually do. The digitising of Bob’s face with Cooper’s is brilliant as it is subtle. The little things make this show.

Ugh, Steven’s such a douchebag and Becky deserves better. I don’t know why Harry’s brother has a fishwife who bitches at him, I don’t know what he’s saying about having nagging wife characters in general, I know he’s got a few failed marriages but is this Lynch working out his marital demons?

And Dougie’s had “episodes” before so him being infantile now is supposed to be relatively typical. I’m assuming Tulpas have spells of odd behaviour since they’re copies of the person. Diane’s a little “off” too but her Tulpa has traces of her.

I think the Return has a better meta-commentary on the brain rot of misinformation caused by the media. The black and white short film of the rise of evil and good in the world holds a lot of information. The woodsmen play a bigger role in the series, I think they play a kind of minion role as inhabitants of the Black Lodge, they basically resurrect Mr C and work malevolently in the world.

I still don’t like Tammy but she doesn’t suck. I don’t know who thought using a publicity shot of Cooper in the Waiting Room to put in his case file, that’s another symptom of “reboots and reunion” shows, nobody TOOK THAT PHOTO IN THAT CONTEXT. Did they lose other photos or polaroids from the original shoot? Just anything that doesn’t look like a GD publicity shot or screen shot from the show would be better than that, don’t make it an iconic image. They pinched a shot of Linda Blair from an unrelated film just to insert into the new Exorcist movie, but at least it kinda looked like a photo.

I like Kyle as Dougie, I don’t know why they went with this premise where Cooper’s trapped in his own body but isn’t really fighting to escape, he’s just a blank slate trying to make sense of everything while reminders of his true self keep popping up. I appreciate the electricity theme plays heavier in the show, the nods to the movie are nice. I don’t know how many people who saw the series and nothing else managed to watch season 3 without those context clues as they’re significant inclusions between season 2 and 3. I get not reading the dossiers or the diary/tapes, there’s an inconsistency with the missing pages found in the bathroom stall door and Laura giving the diary to Harold. The diary was written (and supposedly rewritten after Jennifer Lynch accidentally took a floppy disc through a metal detector and it wiped her first version, I should do a separate review of it, it’s so poorly written in parts it’s embarrassing) between season 1 and 2 for promo purposes, getting a hold of it was amazing but it’s not remarkably good in terms of writing. I get you’re writing from a teenager’s perspective but you can do better.

Andy and Lucy argue over a chair. It’s fine. Whatever. Andy’s too nice to Lucy.

Johnny Horne slams into a wall. I don’t see how Audrey could be responsible for him to leave herself in the way of Richard.

Major Briggs plays such a big role for being absent. Bobby’s got some heavy burdens to bear but he’s a big man now. Briggs has likely fallen into some inter-dimensional realm to bring more of the pieces together. Briggs is probably the most clairvoyant character in the show, it was cool how he was also subject to secrecy due to everything being “classified”. I just realised this was three years before the X-Files even started, now I refuse completely to believe Twin Peaks didn’t have even a modicum of influence on that show. It’s been verified.

Jerry tripping balls in the woods is… fine. I like he’s there when Richard bites it, but Richard simply being an actual bad seed feels  kind of hollow. We don’t know much about his upbringing he’s just born bad with Bob’s seed. Also sending a physical letter to a sherif when an email is better is a stretch. I feel like we’re still supposed to think the town’s stuck in a time warp.

There’s another fly swatting scene when one of the Mitchum party girls (Candy, the only one who gets any lines) smacks one of them with a remote to swat it. Lucy tried to swat a fly too. You see little moments of repetition but it’s not a fuckin poem, it’s not supposed to rhyme, George. But Lucy and Andy are still deceptively sharp and observant, you never feel like they’re pointless characters in the show.

Janey-E decides Dougie’s hot now he’s “lost weight”. It’s giving fat-phobic. But Dougie-Coop’s technically not been laid since Annie. This is hilarious but poor Sonny-Jim. I think this is where he feels too happy to leave his new life, whether it implies Janey’s getting in the way of Cooper returning or it’s to establish the Tulpa Cooper leaves for her and Sonny Jim, which is sweet and only proves Cooper can’t have a normal life otherwise. (I need a Tulpa too, they sound handy).

I love Jacoby sounds like a rightwing nut but he’s shouting for marriage and income equality. He and Nadine make sense at this point, he’s not really a doctor anymore. She’s definitely enamoured with him.

I kinda hate the Hello Johnny scene, it’s pretty insufferable. Sylvia Horne doesn’t really deserve to be treated this fucking badly, she didn’t even do much in the original show but Ben is sick of sending her money. Johnny’s still a big man baby and he can’t exactly live alone. I can see why it’d suck for Audrey to get beaten up but then she’s “removed” by way of creative differences?

The Mitchums are trying to stitch up Dougie via the insurance agency. I don’t hate Belushi in this. They didn’t go overboard with the celebrity additions like they did with season 2. Amanda Seyfried is great as Becky. The list of cameos is stupid long because of the musical guests, I saw Eddie Vedder on there and just baulked. Norma playing the beleaguered surrogate mother to Shelly is kinda sad. Shelly being so stupid now after everything, especially her boning a drug dealer of all people, who’s likely worse than Leo. It’s just fuckin’ sad. I do appreciate Lucy doesn’t have to field all the calls and they have a dispatch department now. You can assume they got more staff due to the crime increase.

I didn’t remember Cole seeing Laura crying at Donna’s door as a vision when he opens the door to Albert. I don’t know if these were reminders but it’s worth it to note this is from FWWM, not the show. Season 3 depends a lot on you viewing it even without the Missing Pieces. I can see they’ve used old establishing shots as well. I do sense the Return isn’t as confusing necessarily as the original show. Rebekah Del Rio being cheated out of a series appearance in Mulholland Drive is kind of redeemed with a guest spot. I think she could’ve been the Julee Cruise of that show. His fascination with tragic lounge singers is another thread spanning back to Blue Velvet, which once you see Cooper and Diane together you get a lot of flashbacks to their characters in Blue Velvet. 

I feel like Becky being a deadbeat fucks up Shelly and Bobby but Shelly’s gotten stupid, she’s so fucking dumb. And Bobby should know who this guy Shelly’s seeing by now, right? It’s a mess. Bobby got his shit together why’s she got to be this shitty? I still had to my head around her and Bobby being the same age and she was just a drop out, I still kinda see her has a year older.

I hate the shooting scene with the sick kid, the woman yelling is annoying as fuck, but shit’s spiralling.  That’s become my always skip it scene but compared to how many we have in season 2, it’s minuscule.

I like Belushi has a prophetic dream about Dougie then we find out it’s cherry pie in the box like this is Seven but for Lynch fans. I’m past the halfway point already I thought this whole thing would take way longer than it has, even with me skipping shit.

Sarah’s not coping with change anymore, I really resent nobody’s helping her anymore, I think Hawk tries, I don’t even know how she supports herself, maybe Leland had a pension. Everyone’s abandoned her. I get her belligerence over being offered help, it’s more a “fuck you, now you care?” response when it’s been 25 fucking years of her being abandoned. I believe this makes her susceptible to Judy’s influence and she’s basically going to be the new bad guy. She’s the most corruptible one there.

At least Ben will pay for any mess Richard makes, he just won’t compensate Sylvia. I feel like Brother Truman should consider the old key more important than a keepsake.

Cole’s little bit of French totty is close to becoming skippable material too. I don’t know how Lynch pulls off this whole schtick it’s actually kind of impressive.

The insurance agency’s gonna have to declare all the gifts the Mitchums bestow just for paying out. The Winkie’s guy from Mulholland Drive does a great job.

I also forgot Ray goes to the lodge to put the ring back in its place yet again. The LVPD are dumb as fuck, they toss Cooper’s fingerprints since no way Dougie’s and FBI Agent AND a felon. Those guys are funny but I lose the thread with Hastings and who he is to Jeffries and how it’s all related to killing Mr C. I like there’s a huge network of people related to Mr C’s dealings.

Goddamn it, Nadine and Jacoby are adorable together, it just makes sense, they’re both kinda loopy but they’re in better places now, Jacoby’s lonely and Nadine’s perfect for him even if they were just a couple of platonic kooks on the road selling silent drape runners and gold shovels.

I don’t know who Charlie’s supposed to be and I don’t love that he’s emotionally in control of Audrey. Charlie’s just prodding and gaslighting her then threaten her with “ending her story”.

We cut to James playing his song, and fuck I don’t know how to feel about this pap anymore. I feel like he’s lipsynicing to the original track they made before. The pretty girl’s very charmed by it but she’s already with someone, classic James going for unavailable chicks. The listless little brunettes are dead eyed and creepy as fuck. But James probably deserves a bit more than what he’s gotten in the way of women. Then big Ed eats soup and burns a note to Norma and that’s that episode over. Their reunion doesn’t have any major tension but it’s still a nice way to fix that relationship. You really don’t hate them for cheating, not just because Nadine’s a nightmare and Hank is a criminal and doesn’t care about Norma, that’s how you get around good characters copping shit for cheating. You feel like they deserve to be together and it’s unfair they’ve been separated, that they should be selfish and they’re only where they are for denying their feelings. They’re the best older soap couple, like how Days has Marlena and John/Roman as the mature, parental types who are still attractive and have great chemistry. I feel like Bobby and Shelly are like the Carrie and Austin of Days as well, the hotter young couple that’s always having to fight off jealous sisters who team up with another envious boy to split them. (truth be told, Sami on Days is a horribly entertaining villain you hate for busting up Austin and Carrie but you kinda root for her later the way you root for Billie over Hope/Gina when she’s with Bo. Yes, I watched Days relatively religiously in high school. I also watched Neighbours when it was “good” for a while, and we watched Home and Away as kids. We really had no other choice in terms of entertainment). Also, Twin Peaks was primetime viewing, and at ten, all I knew about it was a girl was “dead, wrapped in glad wrap”, our joke for “plastic”. I think when I heard Jack Nance say it for the first time, I got kinda giddy. I don’t even know what it was that kept me invested. I feel like it could’ve bored me just as easily, but then I think it would be insane for it not to enthral me, never mind influence me more than anything else.

I take back what I said about Janey-E and Diane. The wedding ring with her name on it in the major’s stomach leads them to Cooper, so there has to be a reason Dougie is kind of “dumped” on Janey-E. FWWM is integral to the Return, I would stress that to anyone watching the whole thing from scratch, a lot of key points in it are rounded out in the Return. Lynch doesn’t owe us an explanation, maybe just a smidge of narrative cohesion.

I love Andy coming in and taking control when the real Diane is sent back into Twin Peaks. Ugh I can’t deal with Billy, why is he there? The bad cop Chad is driven nuts by Diane and Billy but he deserves it. I think Diane speaking like a bird monkey is significant. I nearly skipped that scene but it was fine.

I love the Return, I’ve had so much fun watching it this time around, I don’t even feel like the less popular episodes are bad at all. Even the musical scenes don’t feel so disjointed, you forget how often Julee Cruise appears in the original show, she plays part of the scene all the time, it’s not just a background band. So these scenes feel appropriate.

Nadine’s scene is very sweet. It’s funny Dr. Jacoby sounds like a Trumpy for the left. Ed’s understandably dubious. I was freaking out when Norma’s business partner shows up. I don’t know how romantically involved she is with Walter. Norma’s the loveliest maternal character on any show, Ed’s a loveable lug, you really do root for them. The RR’s her home, Ed’s her home. I can imagine a bar full of people going ape over this scene. Shelly’s all teary, it’s really sweet. The show needed happy moments to make up for how shitty it got. I have no idea if any of the possible threads from back then made it into the Return, Mark Frost had ideas, they were plans made, a lot of shows left in the air before cancellation still make decisions and keep writing until they know the outcome, the show kinda has to go on until the network says otherwise. The sick part of this is, you might have fucking just about finished the show in terms of production (ie Batgirl) and they still yank it out of existence to write it off. I often think about how much effort goes into unaired pilots in terms of crews showing up doing hair and makeup, spending days filming and editing for the show to never exist. How everyone goes into it knowing it may go nowhere. People were writing for the Degrassi HBO Max reboot who then suddenly didn’t have a job. It’s another reason you can’t depend on a screenwriter’s salary unless you’re hired for a long term project. Even then, you have to be prepared your job might disappear. Creating is a precarious job.

I like Bob doesn’t know who Judy is, Jeffries does, it’s less clear why Jeffries is behind all this. I love when we’re in the picture Mrs. Chalfont gives Laura, that whole environment with the convenient store looks good. If Lynch could remake Eraserhead now I bet it would look amazing. Mr. C knocks the stuffing out of Richard.

I don’t get the deal with Steven, he’s really only Becky’s shitty husband and nothing about Gersten being with him makes sense. Her being a gifted girl who cracks under the pressure and turns to drugs is more interesting but this is where the dossier gives you more than the show. I’d rather have had more backstory because all she does is look like a home wrecker who fucks up Becky’s relationship and seems to imply Becky damaged Steven. He’s implicated in the drug ring associated with Richard and Chad, but both of them “disappear” from the woods, that whole scene feels silly and disjointed. Steven exists to be a simulacrum to Leo like Becky didn’t learn from Shelly’s mistake marrying Leo, and Shelly proves she learned nothing going with that Balthazar Getty guy. I hate it, Shelly was a great character, they created her for Madchen Amick after she auditioned, it feels rotten to make her come off so fucking stupid in the Return. I know it implies Twin Peaks is falling apart people there are worse off without Cooper in the world but that’s a vibe you get it’s not really stated. Getty’s character is Red, I think he’s like the new Jean Renault, he’s the drug kingpin and she’s oblivious, maybe because he’s not abusive she assumes he’s okay, and maybe she’s too attracted to bad boys and Bobby becoming good makes him less appealing. But she’s a terrible example to her own fucking daughter, complaining about Becky marrying a drug addict is hypocritical.

Margret dying before our eyes is so heartbreaking. She’s literally saying goodbye to all of us, it chokes you up. Hawk understands what’s going on. There’s nothing he can do. Lucy’s crying real tears. It’s always so hard to see characters mourn deceased characters in the context of these actors dying in real life.  News Radio did justice to Phil Hartman with a similar episode.

Fuck I hate Charlie. I don’t even know if he’s real. I had to close the damn Fandom.com website for the show because of all the ads on it. The poor little stoner Asian girl from those Judd Apatow movies gets dumped on the floor, she’s a mood more than a character. A very relatable mood. She’s a good actress, she does well in House it’s kinda sad she was so well known for the dumb character she played in Knocked Up.

Sonny Jim figures out Dougie-Coop’s coma is related to electricity, he’s a smart boy. The Mitchum Bros have turned a new leaf, I think. I can’t tell if they’re crooked and Dougie-Coop makes them good.

Explaining the Blue Rose Project is a nice touch. I don’t mind finding out about Judy. Fuck it, we’ve speculated forever, it’s about fuckin Judy we need to talk about her. I like Mr C uses Richard to get out of being zapped on the rock that looks like the one Laura’s body was near when they found her. The LVPD are boobs, the local Feds are bigger boobs. If the OG serious was a soap opera parody, the Return is a police procedural parody. Everyone’s lining up to get Dougie or get him something nice. Jennifer Jason Leigh and Tim Roth argue about snacks before some ass commits an ‘Umerica by getting out a gun, thus cleaning them up before they can clean up Dougie. If this isn’t an argument against semi-automatics I don’t know what is. I’m assuming Nevada is an open-carry state. People are under a lot of stress.

The Tibetan singing bowl sound comes back and Gerard finally wakes up Cooper. Goddamn, I cried like a fuckin’ baby first time around. Cooper has to take the ring and the Tulpa seed. He already knows Dougie needs to be replaced now. I don’t think it’s to throw Bob off. Naomi Watts is our other national treasure. 

When the theme kicks in after Cooper wakes up, it feels soooooo fucking earned. The bar full of fans are apoplectic with joy.

I like Mr. C’s message takes a while to get to Diane. Maybe it buys Cooper more time but Diane’s Tulpa’s been activated. It’s rough. The text she sends back to Mr. C is weird, I forgot about it. I don’t know if she’s a double agent. She paints a very vivid picture of Mr. C raping her. It’s kinda sad how Mr C tricks so many people. The way her experience is like Laura’s when she sees Leland at last. Like, if you went into this without seeing the movie you’ve ruined this show for yourself. Tulpa Diane has to go to the Lodge and be erased, she doesn’t shoot anyone. She gets in one more “Fuck you” for the road.

Cooper having to let Janey and Sonny Jim go is so sad. Like I said, this is Cooper realising he could’ve had a family but he had to let them go. He’ll be “with them” in a sense. Janey realises it’s not her Dougie but she’s getting a better Dougie now. Sonny Jim’s been sufficiently traumatised.

Cooper has a glass mug of black coffee. The Mitchums try to figure out what the fuck’s going on now. Cooper is their redemptive arc, it’s really sweet. Cooper makes everything right.

Eddie Vedder’s guest spot rounds out the show but now Audrey’s here and you don’t know if her shit is real or a dream so this is where the overlap’s murky. I don’t like Audrey’s dance being a thing, it feels unusual. Random characters dancing is part of the fabric, it relates to the Man from Another Place how he danced, but Audrey’s Dance is also the name of the song. She does her little interpretive thing while the crowd sways hypnotically. I don’t know what this is actually supposed to signify other than Audrey being in a dream but this made me cringe. Then it smashcutting to Audrey supposedly waking up from her coma while the band plays backwards… it ironically creates a loose end when we need to tie it up.

Okay, I don’t hate Tammy anymore, she’s not awful, Crystabel kinda grows into the role. The backstory on Judy. Ray turned out to be a paid man on the inside. Jeffries was trying to stop Judy. Cooper figures it out, I think Bob and Judy are the two birds he needs to hit with one stone.

Mr C beats Cooper to Twin Peaks, maybe everyone wanting to see Cooper again makes them think Mr C is genuine. I know they don’t know but how can you not see it? I don’t know. Chad’s got a key, the Limey got locked up with James after punching a couple of guys, all is coming to fruition. Ugh I hate Billy’s face, I don’t get him being there besides adding needless tension. The Limey punches his way out the cell and knocks Chad out. I forgot Lucy shoots Mr C. Andy knows what to do now. Andy rocks. James doesn’t really need to be here but fuck it. And Lucy understands cell phones, hurrah. Oh, James has to look after real Diane, she was there in between worlds with Cooper. The Woodsmen help the Bob Blob out of Mr C’s dead body so he can pummel Cooper, then Limey gets knocked down and nearly shredded to death before punching Bob Blob through the floor into fire. He comes back for round two and Limey does a KO. Yay, Freddy. He got told by the Giant to put the glove on and come to Twin Peaks cuz why not. Cooper finally puts the ring on Mr C’s finger to send him back to the Lodge. Robert Forster was actually meant to play Harry in the original show, so the running gag is he’s not Harry but his brother. We see Dream Cooper’s face over everything happening now. Candy has lots of sandwiches. Diane reveals herself through a bunch of layered images. I forgot he kisses her like they’re long lost lovers. They “see” one another. Time stands still.

Cooper has to go finish things. This is the stuff with Richard and Linda. I think Judy leaves as Cooper goes into the place Jeffries is now. He is actually a giant tea kettle. Just Cuz. Lynch really comes through again, it’s fitting he’s got more influence at the start and end. He had to push for 18 episodes just by leaving production, like I said, let the man cook, damn it. Jeffries tells Cooper where to go now. This is where the movie plays the biggest role, the interlacing of past and present, the night of Laura’s death, switching it to black and white is genius in the sense it smooths edges and obvious “continuity” issues from being separate. What did Laura see before she screamed? It was Cooper. Not even kidding at this point DON’T SKIP THE MOVIE. JUST DON’T. He could’ve ripped shit from the pilot, fuck that noise. I guess James being in the office does make sense. If you’ve ever needed someone to help but were too fucked up to let them, then you get why Laura runs away. Cooper thinks now’s the time to intervene. Jacque waits with Leo and Ronnette, but Coop’s there to stop her. He’s there to take her home.

And… MY FUCKING EMOTIONS IN THIS SCENE. God bless Sheryl Lee. The wig throws you off but the sentiment is there. Effectively removing her from the timeline makes shit worse. Now we get the alternate timeline with Pete and Josie and Catherine. (Sorry, I thought the stone by Laura’s body was a rock, it’s a big ol’ chunk of tree). Jack Nance had already passed away before this point. We hear Sarah in her house screaming, I think Judy’s got her now. She smashes Laura’s picture and stabs it, the screams we heard are from the pilot, those animalistic screams that get burned inside your head. I think Judy’s mad about Laura. Cooper loses her to the dark, we hear her old screams.

Cooper’s not out until the curtain call. He’s not out when Dougie wakes up. Not officially. Diane and Cooper go on the Richard and Linda road trip knowing there’s no return. I still think it was pointless doing this love scene, it gives me “we went ahead and shipped them, kids.” The memes that they were just the same characters from Blue Velvet were fun. People suggested she couldn’t look at Cooper and not see Bob. She’s crying the whole time, it’s really dragged out and uncomfortable. She’s then gone so maybe she’s upset she has to leave him. Or it’s Linda upset she has to leave Richard. It was likely Linda in the parking lot of the motel. Cooper doesn’t react much to anything now.

Once Diane’s gone, Cooper continues on to find Laura, only to find Carrie Page. I forgot this was her last name, I don’t know if it eludes to the missing pages from Laura’s diary. Laura’s technically been ripped out of time and Carrie can’t be a substitute for her. I won’t go far into what happens, I really wanted to focus on those scenes but I got distracted anyway. But I agree with the theory Laura is not meant to be saved, you can’t change her story and save her life, Judy will remain in the world, and Laura was supposed to remain in the Lodge. Cooper can leave but it doesn’t rid the world of evil. Laura can’t be returned home, in a sense, I thought we were to accept Laura had to die. She sacrificed her life to avoid Bob taking her over. Bob finds his way into the world via Cooper and spends 25 years wreaking havoc and manipulating people. In this rewatch, Cooper actually annoyed me a lot. I understand he’s a flawed hero but he seems to make so many mistakes that could’ve been avoided. I feel like he was too easily foiled by Windom and Bob. It was hard to believe Mr C would pass as Cooper, Frank not realising is fine, everyone else should’ve been suspicious from the beginning. The only excuse really was Mr. C being calmer and less maniacal than Bob. He rarely lost his shit, he was deadpan when he was violent too, which was a cool way to go. It really wouldn’t have made sense to have a blue denim clad Cooper acting crazy. Mr C’s outfit was good but again, Cooper in leather and faux snakeskin with long hair didn’t throw more people off. Leland was still Leland until his hair went white. Even angry Leland just seemed abusive. It reminds me of those people who wanted a missing person to be that person so badly they accepted an absolute imposter in their place.

I have waffled so much in this post even I can’t read it. I’m posting this anyway. Congrats if you ever make it this far.

I have had thoughts since I stopped watching. One being, Cooper not really acknowledging Annie. It’s proof season 2 is practically erased from the timeline in the Return. The more I thought about what was missing, even the stuff that was important wasn’t, like Windom. I’m not saying bring them back just maybe have more mention. I know she’s brought up, it just makes me sad Cooper moves on with Janey-E and just accepts Annie’s gone. No justice for Annie, I guess. I wish Heather Graham could’ve come back. Even the lack of mention from Norma seems like a horrible oversight in retrospect. Your troubled sister comes to town, in a week she’s in the hospital and it’s all to do with her new boyfriend. Norma having nothing to say seems so wrong. She’s gone no comprehension after the incident at the contest. She’s dancing in the corner with Ed and then Nadine steals her thunder. Then she’s gone on to start a reputable chain of restaurants and…. no “How’s Annie?” Seriously, HOW IS ANNIE? Ugh. I know 18 episodes was probably not enough, they had to stick to the important shit, but Annie was important, right? Or was she just another season 2 aspect Lynch didn’t care about? That can’t be true, otherwise she’d have nothing to do with FWWM, she plays an important role. She’s the one wearing the ring that’s taken. I did have fun watching the Return but I have a weird thing about characters who just vanish from the story. I’m still bummed Lloyd Dobbler doesn’t say goodbye to Corey in Say Anything… Like, was there ever a scene or the idea of a scene? 

I’ve seen it all… Dancer in the Dark.

I discussed this in relation to Melancholia by Lars Von Trier (I’ve avoided Antichrist but I will see it one day) but I never discussed my personal experience with this film and how it’s since framed how I see my own future and past.

I’ve seen it all.

I think this whenever people assume I should be doing more and living more. I wish I lived less, I don’t know if I’d honestly regret not taking the trips I have, which were only manageable when I was a kid since all the rigmarole of handling bookings, rental cars and tickets and passports was taken care of by my parents. Even my trip at twenty, I was only charged with replacing my passport and it was still funded by my parents. I got to see a friend and a concert, but I couldn’t get an earlier flight home or diverge from the flights at all. (I almost went to Amsterdam, however, but it didn’t pan out. Yes, my mother was willing to let me do this alone but not stay home and housesit instead). Point is, I don’t appreciate majesty or spirituality or serenity when I’m in another country. I’m deadened to a lot of it from what I know now was autistic burnout caused by the stress of travelling. It’s gotten harder for me to head anywhere outside my own city.

Selma’s argument she doesn’t need her eyesight when her son needs it more is expressed in a wonderful song. For reference, it’s the one she performed at the Oscars in that swan dress people lampooned for ages. (I might add this was the only Oscar nod this film got when she deserved Best Actress. Von Trier himself hasn’t had a single nomination, and he had the nerve to treat Bjork like utter shit. It also made her reluctant to work on other films). I tend to get attached to it more in its sentiment. I have seen enough even within the confines of film and television, I’ve experienced enough of other places to never go again. Selma’s more insulated, she’s travelled to the States but she’s stuck in Small Town America, she’s poor, she wants her son to have a better life, and the sacrifice is her work and her eyesight. The idea of even never seeing a grandchild’s hand play with her hair doesn’t move her to reconsider. Jeff’s not entirely a simpleton but he has a very innocent view of what Selma is giving up, she’s a grown woman, she’s considered it, she’s adapted to her deteriorating vision to the point she’s fudging her eye tests. Jeff knows she’ll eventually hurt herself working at the factory, but her daydreaming is more a culprit than her eyesight. She knows her life is miserable but her son’s will be better if he has the operation to save his vision. It means more because she’s “seen it all, there’s no more to see”. And even if you argue she’s in denial at this stage, she gives up her life for her son’s eyesight, so she’s sincere. She’s reached an acceptance she’s going to be entirely blind the rest of her life, as long as she can earn the money to save her son’s sight, whatever she needs no longer matters. And she doesn’t need more than what she’s already seen. Scared as she is to die, she won’t lose the money to prove her innocence if it sacrifices her son’s eyesight. It’s what she fought for. Her son doesn’t even see her by the time she’s hanged, she only gets to hold the glasses he no longer needs and the relief of knowing he had the operation gives her a second of peace.

You can’t convince me to do more or see more, I always hear this song, I don’t want more from life, and I don’t want to travel anywhere. Even if you offered me luxury transport, it’s little to do with that and everything to do with purely being misplaced and disoriented. My mind can’t process changes in environment on that scale. I’ve been hospitalised twice now from my last two overseas trips, the stress of it completely derailed me into insanity and it’s more than basic jet lag. I have to weigh up the cost of my own mental health against experiencing another place, and at this juncture, it’s no contest. I’ve seen it all. There’s no more to see.

Music… before Spotify

Loving music in the 80s and 90s sucked. It straight sucked if you were a kid with no disposable income who had to save pocket money for music. Or leave the radio on with a blank tape set to record. We could tune our radio into the public access channel on weekends to get pretty good copies of songs. Or worse case we had to hold a fucking stereo or radio mic up to the one speaker on our TV to capture shit. It was hell. If iPods had been around when I was a kid, I would’ve been so happy. I was lucky to have Walkmans at the least, and by the early 2000s all I could do was rely on renting CDs and taking them to my parents’ house to copy and burn onto blank CDs I carried everywhere I went while I didn’t have a job. One of my first major expenses was an iPod.

The other issue was, I own more CDs than I probably should because of this liking one song or assuming a song was on a soundtrack when it wasn’t, which was another annoying factor of liking songs from movies. I actually liked the Commitments two soundtracks, I was going to watch that the other day. In the end, I copied what I liked off all my compilations and soundtracks and sold them to the same people I rented CDs from. I still have a copy of Tori’s Under the Pink Australia Only CD. I could only cope having the songs I liked, and even then I was still missing out. I got away with the typical ways we all got music back then, but I sucked up to people I didn’t like who had CD burners and music I wanted. I wish I could’ve been able to compile everything easier than I did. I owned the fricken Encino Man soundtrack and took it to school to play a lot (I wasn’t supposed to take a walkman to school but I could take CDs). The Clueless soundtrack is pretty great but I didn’t hold onto it, I don’t think… I have the Singles and Say Anything… soundtracks, which I regret copying in the latter’s case because there’s a track on there I can’t find a digital version of. When I last had a CD ROM drive I didn’t rip everything I owned, including Glean by They Might Be Giants. I looked into buying an external drive but realised it’s actually cheaper to repurchase digital versions, and in the case of Oyster by Heather Nova, I got a song that was cut from the Australian release. I do like the Craft soundtrack but didn’t copy it either, I have regrets.

I resented paying for a YouTube subscription until I accepted I can access YouTube Music and use this instead of spending on iTunes. I only resent I can’t use a generic music app on my phone to play DRM music. If I could, I’d be happier but I’ll live with the circumstances and it does make more sense to make use of a subscription I’m already paying that keeps it ad free, which was my aversion to Spotify. I get pissed enough you have to put up with podcast ads now. I get why but I hate it.

But I was a simp for this stuff, you could really manipulate me if you had something sonic and I didn’t. I still believe in physical media and hoarding whatever digital files I can. I don’t know how to get access to downloaded songs from YouTube. But I have access. All I wanted was access to this shit, something I could keep for myself, and straight streaming made me feel like it wasn’t mine. I know it’s not mine on iTunes, I get it, but I’ll still store them on hard drive no matter what. I was going to list all the CDs I hoarded for the one or two songs I wanted, I couldn’t get singles either, when I did love an album despite only wanting one or two songs, this was a bonus. I did buy singles wherever I could, I kinda miss going hunting for singles, however having the ability to download an album and get instant gratification, it doesn’t mean as much to anyone who’s only known music in this form. I’ve had people send me things, my brother used to do mail exchanges for copies of rare tracks, bootlegs are still out there, and I do stress about these going missing since they’re so hard to find. Treasures. I do hoard these like flimsy trinkets in a bower bird’s nest. We had to stop and realise how kids now aren’t ever going to experience trying to find songs they want the way we had to. I went looking for a song I was obsessing over but I dumbly forgot to bookmark it and I’d have to think about how to find it again. I’d hear a song on Parker Lewis Can’t Lose and obsess over it until I found it. I end up on rambles about this which I’m sure I’ve done before, but I know how it feels to have a song in your head but you can’t remember the name or who sung it, or you pick the wrong artist or the title doesn’t match the chorus or line you remember. I’m getting tired thinking about it.

She is me and I am her… Benny and Joon

I have stories about this movie, well more to do with its soundtrack. There’s reasons I can’t watch it as easily as I did as a kid, it has a whole other meaning since I was diagnosed Autistic. I could say a lot about the representation being really on the nose. I mean it’s, Rain Man if Dustin Hoffman was Mary Stewart Masterson. It’s important she looks reasonably young but not too childlike. And you can be forgiven for thinking Benny’s played by Johnny Depp, he’s kind of top billing for how small a role he plays comparatively. He’s Edward Scissorhands without the scissors, he was kind of typecast as a quiet oddball.

It’s ablest and Joon’s actually perceptive in her observations of how fucking stupid everyone is around her. Meanwhile brother Benny is actually surrounded by idiots in his own life, people bugging him for advice, irresponsible William H Macy smoking around open fuel. Joon’s the actual least of his issues but he leans on her as an excuse to stagnate. Joon’s relatively fulfilled in her own right, but we’re obscured when her  actual diagnosis appears onscreen. So you can speculate, and I can be sure Autism wasn’t even considered. Her violent outbursts and episodes vex CCH Pounder who plays her doctor, she pushes a group home as an alternative to her burning through day helpers, Mrs Smail her last housekeeper/help who agitates Joon needlessly. Seriously, if people left her alone for the most part, her stress wouldn’t be so hard to manage. Through an updated lens, I can tell you now that would’ve been better treated. Them living in a messy home makes sense, Benny’s life is made out to be far worse than it honestly is, they prove he’s bringing most of this on himself. (He also has a goldfish, its death a metaphor for his inability to care for anyone well). He turns down pretty girls because “Joon”. He can run an auto shop but he has staff, his buddy offers to cover the business (the Buddy also has a boring lampshade of a hot girlfriend who literally has no lines, it’s kinda gross). Him being Joon’s brother adds to them just having needless sibling tension. She’s easily agitated because paranoia does make you think people are cheating you. I identify with her more in her moments of slight agitation rather than full blown psychosis. But she’s also portrayed as needlessly combative as well, she’s got pyromania but she’s not burnt the house down, she has an attitude, she’s resentful. But she’s also boxed in and denied agency. They’re both traumatised, I’m assuming this triggers an existing thing in Joon but it implies she may have been “normal” prior to the horrific death of their parents in a traffic incident. But she’s hyper intelligent, and it does make you alienate yourself from “your kind” if you’re smart and crazy.

Also her losing poker and gaining a boyfriend is farfetched, but this is a whimsical love story on the brink of reality, right? Sam can write but can’t read, we don’t know what’s wrong with him, medically I’d also say Autism, for the sake of the film, he’s eccentric and a bit “dull”. But he gets by on imitating Buster Keaton and having an encyclopaedic knowledge of film. I think Johnny Boy (look I fucking hate this man, forget about the women in his life, he’s still a garbage piece of shit) really wanted to have as many “interesting” roles under his belt at the time. He adores Ruthie, Julianne Moore, who’s had a fair share of meatier roles than this. I love the aesthetics and cinematography, it’s not entirely condescending. Joon’s not sure how to deal with Sam, he has to sleep in her studio, he sees Joon’s effectively infantilised but he’s not really grown up enough to cope with the real world. The “couple crazy kids” idea’s really pushed to its limit. They have an innocent fascination with one another that naturally progresses. Benny stupidly leaving Sam in charge causes this, so it’s gross he doesn’t take responsibility. But Sam can match her freak, so it makes sense. It also delays Benny breaking it to Joon she’s being farmed out.

The soundtrack has four major songs in, one actually being by Temple of the Dog called Pushing Forward Back, 500 Miles by the Proclaimers, and a couple of songs by Joe Cocker. It does not and never did have In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel. I explain why this is a bummer over here and my stack of soundtracks for that “one song” got pretty big.

The black and white picture of little Benny and Joon is actually pretty well photoshopped for the time. The  moments of calm they have are touching but Joon allowing Sam closer to her is quite sweet. Sam mashes potatoes with a tennis racquet, makes grilled cheese with an iron and vacuums the bed. They bond over raisins, they’re undeniably cute together. Depp was incredibly good looking before he turned into a piece of shit alcoholic. Sam and Joon kinda matchmake Ruthie and Benny. I fucking love their house it’s so pretty. Sam’s echolalia counts to his diagnosis. Seriously, them both being Autistic really makes sense. Ruthie’s B-Grade slasher movie is adorable, it kinda weirdly juxtaposes Joon’s violent behaviour. If I’d been capable I probably would’ve thrown more shit than I did. I was going to watch this with audio commentary but the director sounded both bored and boring.

Sam and Ruthie have their own awkwardness that’s cute. And Ruthie becomes integral in Sam’s life. Sam and Joon have a cute little almost kiss before Sam somehow plays the balloon diagetically with the score. Benny has to dodge Joon’s doctor’s insistence she go to the home. The doctor isn’t getting in the way necessarily, but she’s not presenting other options. She represents the sterility Joon has to face if she’s admitted. The hospital’s spartan and dull compared to her world when Sam’s around, he brings in light and goodness but Benny’s possessiveness pretty much ruins everything for her. We see Joon does as much for Sam in terms of helping him with his words, he’s gentle but protective, but misguided about her illness, them running away together is because of Benny. I think they gave Joon enough personal strength and a hidden agency that holds her above Dustin Hoffman’s character. She can make choices and speak for herself, we’re not supposed to believe she’s better off in a group home, she’s better off with Sam, Ruthie conveniently has an empty apartment for them where Benny can make a compromise knowing she’s got someone else watching out for her. It really is about Benny and Joon, in the same way Say Anything is about Jim and Dianne, again the “main character” gets confused in the marketing a tad. I don’t think Benny and Joon’s trailer is entirely dishonest, it was more the posters all had Johnny Depp given he was the drawcard of the film. I don’t remember when I first saw it I do know I had to get a copy of the TV, there was a period of time all my favourite movies were on recorded VHS, one of which was missing fifteen minutes due to the timer record running out. Benny and Joon was one of the first DVDs I impatiently got from the US since there was also a significant delay for region 4 DVDs to be released in my country, I went to the painstaking bother of returning a DVD player I was told I didn’t have to unlock for region 1 DVDs to work. They effectively lied on the boxes and they still have a lot of misleading info on Bluray players, the cheapo one I bought still needs a code I have to remember to stick on the damn remote so I’m not relying on the internet. I’ve considered replacing some DVDs with Blurays as these copies are not good quality, really, they’re rarely transferred well, if you care, you have to look for good Blurays that aren’t just DVD/VHS transfers, I was willing to put up with shit to get a movie on DVD.

I turned the movie off so I might finish this tomorrow.

I didn’t finish it yesterday, or whatever day. I’ve been kinda snoozing on it.

I like Ruthie calls Benny out on his shit when she offers him a beer. He’s used to girls shrugging off his polite rejections, she’s not complicated but he’s inferred she is. The park scene is actually pretty well staged. Depp has always been a character actor, he’s just developed an obscene ego from too much praise. I don’t find him to be exceptionally good, he was pulling off certain stunts well, he says he’s been kicked out of school for it. Benny stays in the park to see if he can be as coordinated as Sam, he has to accepted he’s unremarkable, this also being a mistake since inevitably Sam and Joon are going to sleep together. There’s a kind of weird hesitation, the framing of this is a little on the nose, the implication being this is a first time thing and is entirely innocent, they might as well be teenagers. I can’t remember how old Joon’s supposed to be, it’s why her casting is perfect, Mary Stewart Masterson’s petite but not tiny. It’s a cute scene, but they know they have to hide what happened, least Joon knows it’s going to upset Benny, which is sad and only demonstrate’s his unreasonable chokehold on Joon.

There’s a missing scene where Sam auditions for William H Macy, he’s an agent, he can do bookings, they discuss it but it doesn’t wind up going anywhere, it raises contention later. Sam’s not interested in being famous, he just wants to work at the video store. I think at this point Joon’s supposedly taught him to read a bit. The audition’s planned but, I can see why it’s cut out but the flow is better without it. Ruthie’s kinda cunty about Benny’s second attempt at a date. Benny’s actually kinda controlling over Sam too, he’s a total ass assuming Sam would never want to look after Joon willingly. Benny treats Sam like a total predator at this point. For all the talk of keeping her stress to a minimum, nobody does it for Joon and she has no personal coping mechanisms like painting. Benny’s just abusive in response, Joon breaks down and it’s more tragic how calm she is later, she’s depressed which is worse than anxious. Benny goes out for compensatory tapioca when he sees they’re out, which prompts him leaving Joon alone again. Sam’s tree’s pretty rad, the location scout for this movie is amazing.

Joon burns the photoshop of her and Benny and Sam comes back for her, we’ve no idea where he’s off to. Benny has to bug Ruthie for tapioca (I really want to try some), she thinks the tapioca’s a line, but she forgives Benny once he says it’s for Joon. Thing is, Sam’s fine with dealing with the outside world, all he’s underestimated is Joon’s condition. She’s obviously terrified, look everyone’s to fucking blame for the bus incident. I don’t think this is handled badly as a scene, it’s a meltdown, Sam tries to help, he does his best but it’s kinda too late. The way she reacts to sudden noises and the light outside, it’s authentically an autistic break as it is a psychotic one. Having to contain that amount of energy in public is a nightmare, and Joon again isn’t able to. She’s not the problem, she’s scaring people but she’s not the fucking problem. Sam now has to face what he wasn’t willing to accept. (I have no idea how she breaks that fucking window, she couldn’t kick it hard enough for it to smash, it’s for dramatic effect, she’s “breaking”).

CCH Pounder now has to run defence and keep people away. Again, if someone in your life does this it might be for better reasons than hate or resentment, either way just accept it. Shitty as it may be. Sam still puts Benny in his place after Benny calls him a moron. Sam’s figured out Benny’s hiding behind Joon’s shit to avoid his own. Ruthie sweetly takes Sam in, really he should’ve lived in her building. 

The hospital sneak scene’s funny, but you can see a younger audience being offended. Benny’s other buddy, the nervy one who can’t play poker without folding constantly also works in the hospital. The roles everyone plays are sensible and unique, I don’t have a movie to compare it to, it’s not Rain Man or Cuckoo’s Nest. The score is ingenious with its theme and variation. Without a plan, Sam has to improvise as a possible patient. The trailer makes him out to be a nutjob, he’s just eccentric.

Joon sits forlornly in her room, dubious about Benny’s suggestion she live in Ruthie’s building. Benny was beyond a jerk, Joon tells him he needs her to be sick, again, this isn’t a romance, the story is about Benny and Joon. It’s a cool misdirect in terms of titles with ampersands in them. CCH Pounder’s pissed about Benny breaking in. So she has to facilitate the discussion, meanwhile Sam climbs up and gets the window washer swing and we get the classic moment Joon has to pretend she’s not seeing anything. Then she gets to go back to Sam after having a very sweet moment with Benny where nothing needs to be said, it’s nice there’s more emotions than words.

Eventually, Benny shows up with roses for Ruthie and she forgives him. We end on Sam teaching Joon how to make grilled cheese with an iron, and Benny leaves another bunch of roses and leaves them to it. I don’t think you can hurl insults at how it represents mental illness, it could’ve been a lot more egregious and been really hyperbolic with the editing, they don’t put anyone in straight jackets, you don’t see her “peers” so you’re not making her hospital look threatening, just sterile and cold. You could still say Joon’s just being infantilised by Sam instead of Benny, but she’s holding the iron while he patiently shows her what to do, and she’s not fixed or cured, she’s just in a better spot and she has some hope. Ending a movie with that sentiment is nicer than suggesting she can’t be helped. It’s the least offensive representation I’ve seen, it’s also the only one I can cite if I ever struggle explaining my situation. It’s not a one for one comparison, (you’d think otherwise based on accounts but people speaking for me and trying to narrate my story is another issue I no longer have) but it’s close. And I think Masterson makes it her own, I don’t know if she sat with people with mental illnesses but I’m not offended by the notion she didn’t, she brings something else, a bit more humanity. And she could’ve been a Manic Pixie type, but she’s completely understated in that regard, even in her moments of apparent lunacy, she’s not acting like a lunatic. She’s quirky and people will find that patronising, if not condescending to their sensibilities. But she’s well spoken and intelligent. She’s just very easily agitated, it’s the agitation that needs relative supervision. You still see her grow up, not entirely but she seems much older once she’s leaving the hospital. Again, she’s still scared but she’s grateful to Benny for letting her take this step.

This hasn’t aged badly the way other movies with mentally ill characters have. It’s not the Fisher King or 12 Monkeys, the former I absolutely adore regardless of Gilliam’s heavy-handed portrayal of psychiatric patients, he still gave them humanity and insight. The 90s wasn’t kind to people with mental illnesses but it wasn’t entirely derogatory or exploitative.

Anyway, I have to recommend this, I still liked watching it despite the triggering content. This wouldn’t have had those types of trigger warnings too, by the way, so if you do have issue with representations of mental “health” facilities or the mentally ill, maybe still give it a pass.

As if, Jim. AS IF. (Titanic is BS)

Jim, there’s no way the news would’ve allowed Kate Winslet’s tits on TV like that. They’d have straight cut to a break or at the least pixelated them. C’mon.

Anyway, I don’t know how I feel about Titanic other than I hate it got James Cameron so much unearned critical praise after its release. I think it turned him into a bigger egotist. The other day I also assumed he was salty about his ex wife winning the Oscar for Best Director for Zero Dark Thirty, but he was happy for her, it was Quentin Tarantino that was salty about it. (I’ve already said my piece about him). The set up for the movie is pretty engaging, it’s a cool premise. But it was the reason everyone thought it was just a movie not based on any kind of historical event. The acting isn’t great, I’m sorry. The couple of jokes about other historical moments regarding finding significant people and artefacts are a bit dumb. (Yeah, the Al Capone joke’s good but calling Anastasia “Anaesthesia” is fucking dumb. I get these people aren’t smart, they’re effectively pirates trawling for treasure, Bill Paxton’s clued in but his crew are tools). But the narrative structure is fine, I just forgot this thing is three hours fifteen minutes long, and this was before Gold Class and other premium cinemas were operating. And back when going to the movies was still a good way to pass the time. I really don’t regard James Cameron as the world’s best writer, he’s a good director, he just needs to get over himself. Rose comparing herself to a common slave being taken away to America is kinda on the nose. I’m sure they’ll be a lot of derogatory language concerning blacks and the Irish. Leo’s… fine. Kate carries it and him and Billy Zane. This made Leo a bigger pinup than he was. This also came out when I was hormonal in high school and it didn’t do much for me but I like the love story, I don’t think there’s much else going on with it other than iceberg in the third act.

This script is actually hokey as fuck. I think it entertained the masses because Jim writes for a broad audience, I’ll give him that. He’s not primary writer on the first two Terminator films, T2’s my favourite action movie so by default it’s my favourite JC movie. (See what I did there?) I’m also watching this on Netflix but I also got bored last time I watched it so I’m testing to see if it’ll bore me again. I don’t remember being enthralled in the theatre. The faux -Enya score is because she refused to score the film, I don’t think she’s agreed to lend her talent to many projects, you have to beg her to use her songs that are also memed to death. I loved Enya before it was cool. And apparently Celine Dion’s demo of My Heart Will Go On was what went to release. I do like Celine, I liked her in high school, I like the song, it’s still pretty stirring, it’ll never really disappear.

Oh, and Rose is giving “not like other girls” vibes but that’s in part to Winslet’s personality, she’s fantastic in this. You can tell she’s also squeezed into corsets. Billy Zane has to be the asshole Leo saves her from. She’s also giving mega-undiagnosed-Autism vibes. I like their “meet-cute” (I despise that nomenclature, it makes me think of actual meat and meat isn’t cute), it adds to the tragedy of their romance. And I love her outfits are quite discerning and modern, she loves modern art, we get it, but she’s a loveable character. OMG she LITERALLY SAYS YOU DON’T KNOW ME. Oh, and Jack’s smart too for a povo artist. Ugh, but he’s sooooo 90s Leo, he went a long time without an Oscar because he wasn’t really stretching himself until he got powned by a bear. Of course he lands on her after rescuing her and it looks like he’s assaulting her. And oh SNAP someone makes a bitches shouldn’t mix with machinery gag. HEEEYOOO. This movie is cliche-ridden, I feel there’s a reason it’s not gotten Best Screenplay, I don’t even think it deserves a Golden Globe nom.

ROSE IS AUTISTIC. Sorry, I’m just identifying with her really hard now. Then they have a little clever banter moment, she’s sassy, he’s sassy. The chemistry is there. She appreciates art, he makes art. Somehow that means the six o’clock news will be open to showing tits when Janet Jackson couldn’t even show nipple. (That scene prompted this post.) I’m now live-blogging Titanic.

We get a gag about women needing university to find a husband. Then someone makes a crack about That Brown Woman approaching, I forgot she’s white and thought they meant an actual brown woman. Oh yeah, the other story is the Titanic being pushed too hard. Which creates a narrative problem. How is Rose speaking on this when she’s not present? And how is she speaking on Jack’s perspective, apart from him telling her, she couldn’t have succinctly retold that. I forgot they just end up a couple crazy kids hawk tuin’ over the edge of the ship. Rose did it first. Molly Brown takes Jack under her rotund wing (I jest, Kathy Bates is great in this). The characters in this are fine, kinda basic. I think Jim has a moderate understanding of societal norms in that period but no more than an actual historian. I don’t think he’s really made another period piece. I feel like someone else could’ve punched it up a bit, but this was his “baby” and he really did get too much praise for it. He does toss in some historical characters for good measure. Reality being this is a spectacle drama with a romance. 

Jack parries the snobbery with charm. Then you have to throw in a multiple cutlery gag. The dialogue is what Americans think old timey people spoke. Rose’s mother and Billy Zane are a foil to the couple, the movie is really a basic romance with some Riverdance bullshit thrown in. (I think this was around the time that was unreasonably popular, between that and Enya people really got high doses of Celtic shit back then, when you could excuse culturally appropriating Celtic shit). Rose takes a drink to the face with good grace and stands on her toes and everyone thinks she’s lovely. I have to say they also went out of their way to make Billy Zane look less attractive, he has guy-liner. Jesus, why? And Kate Winslet was still considered fat for how thin she looks, if you had an inch of flesh on you, you were fat. I forgot Rose has been sold into slavery for the sake of her povo family and emotionally blackmailed by her mother. Again, the story is okay it’s the dialogue letting it down. And the OG Master from Dr. Who gets in the way of Jack seeing Rose. 

Oh, the icebergs are brought up much earlier than I remember. It’s the speed they’re going that’s the issue. I get the ship is a character in the story, we all had to endure Jim’s obsession with deep sea diving and he didn’t go down in tin cans so he’s survived a trek some rich men haven’t. Oh, yeah, and we know there’s not enough life boats, we have to reiterate her “unsinkableness” for the sake of dumb audience members. Leo’s trying sooooo hard to be seen as brilliant but he’s sooooo far off that. I do like him in Wolf of Wall St. I owe him dropping a role in a certain Disney film. And yeah, this is a rapid fire Romeo and Juliet falling in love speed run. I think Jim’s done okay to interweave the ship’s story with the love story, he has to have his principals take a tour of the ship for this exposition. It’s… fine. Everything about this movie is… fine. The ADR is kind of insufferable. The “flying” set up and payoff is fine. According to Winslet, the flying scene was also a nightmare to film. It’s been memed to cringy death. Yeah, we get it, he taught her to fly. But this movie was MEMED to death before memes were memes, children. It’s being memed to this day.

Then the dumb researchers are pausing for a recap on the first half, I don’t know if this was because the audience needs a breather or Jim thought they were too dumb to figure out what was happening. Then we cut to the “French Girls” scene. Another memefied to death scene. See, the issue with memes and movies before memes, so it’s ultra difficult to watch these films without doing the Leo pointing at the TV meme. Our memes within memes. We had little to no internet back then, so we couldn’t make the memes in real time. We had to wait in the caves with crude utensils scratching out proto-memes in the rock. And Katie didn’t use a body double, she was brave as fuck to do this. (I recently played a story game with a similar scene only it was two chicks in Revolutionary France). This is subtle foreplay for those playing at home. I think I also recently heard Jim had to sit in Leo’s place during this scene and he sketched her, yeah he did… There’s a lot of weird facts coming out about this movie now. The sketch has major Gillian Anderson vibes. The scene transitions are tasteful from here, old Rose enthrals the crew with her tale. Billy’s guy liner is criminal.

Now we have to cut between berg and love story. It’s all very foreshadowy and tense now they’re flying blind into peril. And Jesus, Jospeh and Mary we’ve not even hit halfway. I completely forgot the entire other half is them fucking then the ship sinking. There’s barely any story, like sincerely I’m sure the shooting script is two hours long. They get to run away from the Master. And I kinda forgot we can make a Heathers “Boiler room” gag now. It’s fun they find a car to fuck in. I’ll give them that. And Rose initiates because Jim writes “Strong, independent wamyns.” Look, Jim, Brits don’t say “cheerio” that much. And it’s kinda stupid they frame Jack. It’s a boring plot to hang a sinking off. This is pre- R&J which actually kind of sucked. (I despise Baz Lurman, BTW but I might chance R&J and see if it’s any good, I flip-flopped on it after I realised he overuses the speed up footage to Benny Hill nonsense thing way too much.) And the lookout boys have a not-gay moment. And there’s too many cups of tea in this. Look, JIM, the Brits don’t live with cups of tea in their hands. This is slander.

The sinking really becomes a class war, the boiler room attendants are the first on the chopping block. The lower decks are flooded while they lie to the rich about the catastrophe. See, being poor means you’re the first to know when society is actively crumbling. The kids play kick-a-bit-of-berg after the lull of the ship scraping the berg.

Rose makes her declaration and Jack gets framed but there’s more to it, Jack’s got a borrowed coat which in povo terms means stolen. I mean, really, the boat’s the victim of a misguided, shitty PR stunt.

Rose gets dramatically slapped. Somehow people slept through the berg hit so I guess the ship is a big bitch. This is a movie for dumb Americans, Jim’s bread and butter, so he has to pander to their expectations of the British. And Rose knows the architect of the ship, I forgot he’s acquainted with her so by rights she has an inside track, it makes sense for the heroine to be properly informed and have agency. Jack’s getting cuffed by the Master and held at gunpoint. The Captain’s spacing out from stress, I feel for the bugger, he’s having a bad night. The band isn’t playing Abide with Me… YET. OH, I forgot John’s foster mother from T2 is in this. Jim had a small stable of actors, Paxton included. Now we get to watch the lifeboats fail spectacularly. I don’t really get how the Master is cool with hanging out in the slopey bit of the boat. Rose’s mum makes sure she’s still getting a first class ticket, because Karens will Karen even on the sinking Titanic. Rose disowns her mother and tells Billy she can’t marry a man with guy-liner. I forgot she spits in his face, she would straight put Hawk Taur girl to shame. You know she did that to Jack’s dick. She also forces a poor lift operator to go down to get Jack. She could’ve pulled the lever herself, I appreciate he gets out of it but, shit Rose, way to use your useless privilege now. Babes now’s not the time to be explaining how you knew Jack was cool. This is where everyone probably got a tad pruney. Suddenly our strong independent wamyn is useless. She has has a nice coat though. And now she’s punching men with lifejackets. This is kind of insufferable until she finds a fire axe. I’m sure they trimmed that bit down in other versions. I get she’s saving Jack and all but F me it’s a bit much. And shit, this was just an excuse for an Abyss callback. JIM, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE WATER, YOUR BRAIN IS GETTING WET.

Leo was always good with the levity in stressful moments. She frees him but now they’re really boned. I swear Jim just loves putting people in water. UUUUGH this part’s kind of excruciating. I know people were riveted. Billy Zane tries to assure his lineage by jumping the queue. The ship’s men are getting sick of the rich needing to keep their shit. Being a recipient of items that have survived the Blitz, I sometimes wonder how the middle class even kept their nice tea sets through such bullshit. They need more wamyn for the boats but of course the poor revolt while trying to get the wamyn out. Jack finds the boys, who he’s basically snubbed since he met Rose, now the boyz have to find a way out. Billy goes back for the necklace and some cash to use as “insurance”. Jack decides to lead the Revolution by battering ram, he’s victorious against the flimsy gate. And they’re all pretty mean to the crew who are hindering them. Shit gets desperate. The rich rabble have to be subdued by gun. Billy’s Mr Obvious. God, he’s hammy in this.

Rose realises the boats are gone but she just needs a door, she’ll be right. Jack wouldn’t have stayed on it, physics was edited out of this movie. The band plays a jaunty tune while Billy buys his way off the boat. Jack should’ve saved the little girl he snubbed at the party. Billy decides to be a gent but he’s looking for Rose, obviously. Oh, I swear the didn’t get enough actual Brits for extras.

Jack has to let Rose go, and Billy shows up to give her his useless jacket but it doesn’t cockblock Jack, he pretends Jack will be compensated, for some fucking STUPID reason, Jack buys it. I totally forgot all of this. I didn’t go see it ten times in the theatre during sold out sessions where kids sat in the fucking ailses and blocked the fire exits. WE RISKED OUR LIVES FOR THIS FUCKING MOVIE. SAFETY LAWS WERE BROKEN.

Ugh, I totally forgot Billy goes mad and tries to kill Jack. To be fair, it adds some tension to the story. Goddamn it, guyliner get over her, she’s gone. I get she’s got your damn diamond but shit man. 

Jack picks up a spare kid who should’ve drowned by now, then they have to run from a deluge, there’s some strobing. Somehow nobody’s been electrocuted. The kid finds a dad but they get drowned anyway.

Jim just has a fetish for seeing couples nearly drown. And we have to rely on Dutch angles to show how slanty the boat is. I think. I feel like everyone’s a little too balanced to be standing that way. One of the povos gets shot in the lifejacket since it’s not a flak-jacket. The man responsible shoots himself and Billy steals a child to get off the boat, Jesus man, you’re an asshole.

The guy who designed the SS “This Piece of Shit Doesn’t Float” has to give Rose a life-jacket. And I swear the Dutch angles are working overtime. People should be slipping more than they do. The Captain knows he’s got to go down now. This is just now Dutch Angle the Movie. And finally we get to Abide with Me, so shit’s over. John Connor’s adoptive mother stays with her kiddos. It’s all very sad. Billy dumps the kid and tries to save his neck. The mussos decide they’re better men for staying but I’ve met , they’re the first to jump ship with the theatre kids.

I think a lot of urban myths came out of this scene, that extras died. Apparently not, but Winslet almost did when her coat got snagged, and the crew got poisoned with PCP. Anyway, I’ll skip to the end, I got distracted. I don’t love this movie, I don’t even like it very much. I don’t believe that Jack knows the ship will pull them down but realistically you can believe they would’ve survived. And no, he would’ve capsized the door, so put that to bed, they make it clear enough he’s tipping it by adding his weight. The ending isn’t terrible, it just overstays its welcome. The big reunion at the end is nice and all but very flowery. It’s all fine, it’s the little big movie that could, I can see why Jim was so proud of it doing well and getting accolades for it was big for him. And this is three years before the Lord of the Rings became the benchmark. I can’t stand Avatar, I don’t fucking care how pretty it looks, there’s nothing to it. It’s Dances with Smurfs, and I’m tired of him banging on about the other films. I’m genuinely tired of him, he’s egotistically and cringy, he’s the Weeknd of cinema, doesn’t show up for awards shows if his name’s not in the nominations for Best Director/Picture, I despise that mentality. I despise him so when I heard his wife might win Best Director over him, I just made sure I saw the announcements, I didn’t bother watching the actual clip. So I was surprised he was okay with it and Avatar wasn’t up for Best anything that he should care about. I dunno. It’s his expectation he be rewarded for his mediocrity that fucking annoys me. Entitled shithead.

Anyway, Titanic is BS. Case Closed.

Actually, watch the Plinkett review of this, it’s better explained by a drunk basement dweller than I have done above.

Reboot, reuse, regurgitate = revenue

I’m sick of reboots. Right now, I’m entirely unenthused for any kind of remake of the Last Unicorn. I appreciate Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas wants to do something, but the something they were going to do off the back of Lord of the Rings went nowhere. There’s a scene in Fellowship where figures of horses emerge in a lake after a spell is cast. The Last Unicorn has a penultimate scene with something similar, only it’s an on a grander scale. And the issue of the unicorn not actually being a horse with a horn so much as a dear-like creature with a tale similar to a lion’s, the effort that has to go in to creating that image is difficult. I have accepted there may never be a live action version of this original film. I appreciate this fanbase is small and insignificant. I get to keep my stuff.

Everyone else has to contend with these regurgitated products that seem to add nothing more than a need for you to watch the original. There’s no creativity here, I won’t use the member-berries analogy, it’s nostalgia bait for the sake of making money. So then you ask, if this thing isn’t improving or amending or enhancing the original in anyway, then it must exist for the sole purpose of making money. These companies want your money and they don’t want to be original about making something new and different. The live-action Disney films exist for cash, and also to have a newer version of the properties out to probably extend their copyright, it feels like a workaround to their being denied legal exceptions they’ve persistently lobbied for. I don’t think they need it to be critically good, just financially, which they are. But if you’re using these to “fix” errors from the originals, or worse, making a fucking sequel to “fix” what was wrong with the original live action movie (a la the new Lion King “prequel”), then your intention with this new piece is less about creativity and more about pandering. And now I have to ask, are any Disney original movies that aren’t animations classed as live action or are they just “originals” and “live action” only pertains to a remake of the animated versions? Does it matter if it makes money? No. And it’s perfect if it drives people back to the originals if they’re buying them or getting a Disney+ subscription. Which you do at your own risk now they’re making you agree to Faustian-like conditions just to access a fucking free trial. The Mouse is the Devil incarnate. I haven’t seen the apologists defend that yet.

The original Last Airbender show was as close to perfect as any series could be. The trash M Night version was an abomination, so when the original showrunners had a second chance for a TV series on Netflix, people felt hopeful they’d get a good live action version. You got a mediocre one, at best. Saka was amazing. That’s all I had to say. And they still fucked up his character on some level. Ang was irritating, Kiara was meh. I didn’t care for any of it. It made me want to watch the original, which works for Netflix either way, if you subscribed for the new version, you stay for the old one. As a business model it’s been working very well for many franchises. But it hurts fans, it kind of plays with their emotions, and you played with the showrunners so much so they fucking quit. Again. I want to send flowers to them and offer my sympathies for having their beautiful brainchild near-masterpiece tampered with twice. If ever someone would be twice bitten, thrice shy, it’d be those poor bastards.

Disney doesn’t have to worry since they don’t give much credit to any creators outside of the major ones. I could rant and rave about how empty and stupid Aladdin looked, how you cannot simply take an animation that dynamic and full, with so many frames bursting with action, and turn it into an empty shell of itself and hope Will Smith will carry this. You can’t take the beautiful expressions of animal characters and replace them with “live action” lions that can’t emote. And you shouldn’t be able to make up for it by creating a worse sequel where you’ve actually made shit look worse. The trailers drove me insane and I’m not a Disney fan, I appreciate how exceptional that era’s animation was. It’s incredibly creative and expressive, they’re great movies, they don’t need perfecting or remaking. People are getting tired of this, even a “reimagining” is just so pretentious. They spammed our faces with Star Wars now it’s already falling down, this behemoth completely out of control they have to cancel shows that were actually okay because overall, it’s fucking failing. You gave Disney far too much power now they wield it like an unruly toddler with a large samurai sword it’s flaying around while giggling uncontrollably.

I liked Blade Runner 2049, that tried to be different. Dune needed a remake, and it’ll likely be one Lynch film I’ll never see while I don’t consider it entirely his. If you have to change is work, it ceases being his on a different level. I can’t think of anything else I’ve seen, I refuse to touch the Matrix movie, I wish people realised how let down the original is by the acting. It’s so cringe, Keanu isn’t to blame. I think the fan boys loving it also destroyed it for me. You hang out with those guys you either get made to watch that or Lord of the Rings. I’m sorry. I’m not really interested in anything new in any format, I watched the Killer but only got so much from it, I wanted to see Poor Things but Amazon wanted more money and I do not miss my prime account. For what little I had shipped to me in a year, I was still paying more than I wanted, and then they wanted more still to get rid of ads. I don’t get excited about movies anymore, another reason I’m disengaging from groups who do discuss this shit, I have such a negative opinion on a lot of crap I can’t contribute much other than remembering movie titles another person is struggling to recall. And 90% of that knowledge comes from binging movie review channels and not actual content. I’ll spoil movies for myself then maybe watch them later, if I can even get access to it. I denied a chance to watch Paprika because I resented Netflix warning me it was yanking it soon so much I just refused to force myself to see it to avoid FOMO. I’ve stopped looking for shit on there now. I put fucking NewsRadio on the other day to fix my depression, the best thing about 90s shows being they don’t have any references to any franchises I fucking hate and despise being reminded about. If you just put my entire DVD library on a service I’d sit and watch that all day. It’d make up for my copy of American Gothic rotting on me after I only watched it once.

90210hhhhh what have I done?

I’m trying to stay “offline” now things are getting rotten in the state of Denmark/YouTube. I found the OG 90210 for free to watch… with fucking ads on Amazon. I’m going to nuke my account rather than acquiesce to the demand of extra money. I’ll live with paying for postage, the 10 bucks a month wasn’t getting me much personally, I’ve already rented movies and had to watch them on different devices.

Anyway, I have thoughts based on the pilot, it isn’t much to go on, but I don’t remember very much of this outside of kiwi fruit, a slumber party with rape stories and icecream and popcorn in a bowl, Kelly’s nose job and Brenda wanting to be a blonde and sleep with Dylan. (Brenda actually has the terrible Demi Moore shorty jagged bangs).

I have to jump to the second episode, however, because I also forgot Brandon and Dylan meet before Dylan even interacts with Brenda, (and she already knows he’s a bad boy), so Brandon gets a crash course in hanging with bad surfers who happen to have rich parents who own hotels but are also victims of child neglect. But there’s something so horrendously gay coded over how Brandon and Dylan become friends. Brandon sees Dylan magnanimously defend the dweeb who later kills himself, chases after him and tries to make friends with Dylan, who’s like too cool for that, but then he later sucks up to Brandon saying he wants to be friends, because he’s a loner bad boy who needs buddies. He’s also too cool for proper pants so he wears overalls with one strap down and PJ pants with a white shirt and rolled up sleeves. I won’t go looking for the slash fic on these two, I’m going to trust it’s out there, and this episode would be the perfect foundation for that.

The pilot isn’t badly written, it has the sass the reboot had, it’s kind of clever. Brenda takes a while to be less dweeby, I remember now how frumpy some of her outfits were but she has Heather Duke vibes when it comes to little black dresses. Kelly’s outfits were dorkier in retrospect. Brandon was actually objectively attractive even if he’s supposed to be kind of a nice guy dork to play off Dylan’s bad boy affectation, which is actually laughable at first. I think they turn it down eventually. It doesn’t have a lot of subtlety, the outfits are late 80s early 90s. David isn’t that annoying, Steve doesn’t improve much either. Mr and Mrs Walsh aren’t the worst in terms of parents. It’s not the worst in terms of cringe either, if it was supposed to be American Degrassi, it tried, I guess. I don’t have much else to add for now, maybe I’ll go back to it. I’m not feeling it right now but it’s noise I can deal with.

Oh, and why the FUCK (apart from nepotism) does Tori Spelling have cast billing in the fucking credits and she literally hasn’t had a single episode involving her. She’s been in the pilot and a couple of scenes with Kelly, but at least Kelly’s been around. I guess Steve and Kelly haven’t featured much either but they’ve had way more speaking lines and screen time than Donna, hell Dylan’s had his own episode. Even Andrea’s had more screen time. Maybe I’m being silly but Donna just having billing without barely even been in the background. She’s on screen right now but again, I don’t remember what episode she was featured as the focus. Dada must’ve been firm about her placement in the show even if Jenny Garth had her own issues. I don’t hate Tori Spelling, it was just interesting how she had to work to get out of the background.

Brandon’s cringe once he gets laid. Ugh. I think they didn’t have the rights to the song he does play which was another burnt on my brain moment. I can’t find proof. But he does turn into a jealous, violent prick who smacks drinks across bars, and I was team Brandon,

The score’s also very Heathers synth coded. Except when shit gets dramatic then it’s very Twin Peaks coded, and they drop a reference give they were simultaneous.